Heartache and Celebration

October Twenty First. 


Today a little piece of my heart holds a tiny, small, dull ache. A year ago today I had a miscarriage. I remember everything about that day; where I was, what I was doing, who I had conversations with, and what those conversations were about. It was totally unexpected. That day I lost what I didn’t know I had, what my husband and I had, what I didn’t realize I wanted enough to hurt over losing. But my heart hurt! And I cried. But I healed and the huge ache that first felt raw and sharp has now shrunk to the tiny, small, dull ache. I am now thankful for many things about that day. I am thankful for my nurse who removed guilt by speaking just the right words, “this was not your fault.” I am thankful that in not knowing my heart was not given the chance to attach; there was no name given, no due dates set (only one date to feel the heartache). I am thankful in a weird way for what I do not have because I’m not sure how it would’ve all worked during this last season of our lives. I am thankful that…

“The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

Romans 8:26-28 

Today I pause for a second to remember the heartache of loss.

BUT

Today I also pause in celebration of life. 

God has a way of showing up in life in extraordinary ways. The same week that I experienced my heartache and loss, one of my dearest friends experienced the joy and celebration of having her first child, a beautiful little girl. I remember the conversation I had with my friend that day. I remember I was feeling anxious about what was unconfirmed and having a sinking gut feeling that I knew I had miscarried. At the same time, I was so incredibly excited for my friend. I had journeyed this pregnancy with her in a way and I was on the edge of my seat with the anticipation of getting to see this little girl we had been talking about and praying about for 9 months! I held my friends little girl the day after my doctor confirmed I had miscarried. Beautiful dark hair and dark eyes, a tiny little thing, she was gorgeous! She will always hold a special place in my heart. (Another good friend of mine just had her first child, a beautiful little girl the beginning of this week)

Through the birth of my friends children in this particular week God has given me a gift. He has given me the chance to celebrate life, newness, and excitement in a week that may have always symbolized loss, pain, and grief. This gift of celebration in the midst of heartache is one I will always treasure.