Healing Insecurity

Insecurity is simply no fun. It often tags along unwanted and many times unnoticed. I have struggled with it, more during some seasons than others. I know I'm not the only one with insecurities. We ALL have them, men and women, some are plagued by insecurity more then others. I am learning to be aware of my insecurities, to recognize insecurity when it appears, to address it, to dig into it, to refuse it, to allow God to heal my heart and mind through it, and to find true security in God alone. It's not easy, it's tough work, but it's worth every moment. If you struggle with insecurity I challenge you to open yourself to God, in blunt honesty, and allow Him to change you.

Dear God,

I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restoration. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble-even torment-it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it’s made a fool of me. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do by myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how I am made and who I am meant to be. You know the way I’m formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Deliver me. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don’t need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don’t have to fake feelings I don’t posses or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought and every disappointment. You know every ugly or stupid thing I’ve ever said or done out of insecurity. You see into my soul, and You look beyond my failures to the depth of my need. Reveal Yourself to me. Give me insight into patterns I’ve developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in Your light. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You’re willing to heal. You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can’t even figure myself out. Help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that at times I’ve created my own misery. As I confess, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other.

Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing Your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousies that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so focused on what I don’t have that I leave the gifts You’ve given me untouched and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking so little of the person You’ve made me. Forgive me for despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me for every time I’ve sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won’t be great. Forgive me for self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Convict me until I’m instantly aware when insecurity is my own fault. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.Pull up the causes of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and bring healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand. Empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up continuing the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me. Be my gain. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness. Don’t stop until You’ve made a miracle of me. Help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing reveals my false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to bring what needs changing in me and to increase my appreciation for the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

You entrusted to me my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition. You knew what You were doing when you formed me in my mother’s womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself known in me. Please deliver me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. Help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. Remind me that I am capable of great transformation with You. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to stop being to easily wounded, but at the same time, keep my heart from becoming hard. Help me to realize that it’s pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be forced. I cannot put any human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. In the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. There have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. I thank you for them.

I thank you for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead of me. Please restore all that insecurity has stolen from me. Turn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quiet what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman. Make me into the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I receive everything that I have requested in You this day. Let this seep into every corner of my life and invade my entire belief system. I take my dignity back. No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I’ve lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You!

In Jesus Name....

Wash Me

Many of the deepest most honest conversations I have had with God have happened in the shower. Behind the curtain, underneath the music that is often blaring, I find quiet. In this space something always happens. God shows up, and I leave changed and renewed; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Wash Me...

Step in,
Dirty

Broken

Exposed, vulnerable, and raw
Seeking you to wash me
Alone and shaken filled with hurt
Seeking you to wash me
Baring all, my thoughts, my tears, my whispered desperate cries
Seeking you to wash me

Open

In my seeking You draw near
Quietly you wash me
Water softly pours your grace
Quietly you wash me
Gently scrubbing, removing dirt
Quietly you wash me

Trusting

In my seeking You draw near
Quietly you fill me
Water softly pours your love
Quietly you fill me
Restored with peace, redeeming hope
Quietly you fill me
Finding strength and healing joy
Quietly you fill me


Whole

Clean
Step Out

Tuesday Thanks

Today I am thankful for...

*Beautiful fall days and the change that fall brings. For the fresh crispness of the cool fall air, sweetly mixed with just enough warmth. For the colors of fall that always remind me of a bowl of fruity pebbles. For pumpkin spice latte's, pumpkin bread, and the new found deliciousness of pumpkin ice cream. For the gorgeous fall sunrises that beg for reflection.

*MOVE DAY! For the tiny small one bedroom apartment Matt and I are moving into on Saturday. It will be small and tight, but it will be ours! Move Day brings a small step forward in this transition for us. Our transition is not over yet, but Move Day brings refreshing movement to what has felt like a stagnant season. ( I am also thankful for amazing in-laws; in-laws who have graciously allowed us to invade their home over the last 6 1/2 months and in doing so tremendously blessed us.)

*For a God full of love for me. A God who knows, who understands completely. A God who points me to the right scripture at just the right moment last night when I needed to hear His oh so right words.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9

*I am thankful for artists who choose to do the hard work of creating, who recognize the importance of creating, because from their creations others like me find healing and are inspired and challenged to think more, to see more, to reflect more, and to remember that we were all made to create something.

My Land Between

Last night I finished a book about finding God in difficult transitions, in difficult seasons, in the spaces where you find yourself, against your will or plan, placed smack dab in the last place you want to be. The Land Between: a space between where you were and where you want to be, a space of waiting because God isn't taking you there yet. God prepared my heart for this book. He knew what I didn't, that I was smack dab in the middle of my own Land Between and needed to hear literally everything this book had to offer. But he knew I wasn't quite ready for it. So he gave me a book called "Bittersweet" to help me feel not alone & understood, encouraged, to help me begin to heal and open my hands. Then he gave me The Land Between to help me dig deep, to be challenged, to grow, and to shift my perspective. What I didn't know until later was that The Land Between was the book that helped the author of Bittersweet get to a place of healing so that she could even write bittersweet. God's hand working...

This season has been tough, really tough. Matt & I have coined this season our "Land Between", a season of waiting in the desert of God's plan. It's been a season filled with great excitement and anticipation, but also filled with great stress, disappointment, and anxiety. It's been a season of waiting and wondering together "how long God?" Over the last couple months & really longer than that, I hav etried to keep my head above water as multiple major life changes hit us all at once. Granted some of these changes were great and have been great, but still everything together all at once was a lot! And then some changes we were expecting didn't happen. We didn't sell our house, we still haven't. And we've been in this space of stuckness watching half of our lives move forward in excitement while the other half just sits. We're at a place of readiness and longingness to move forward. "How long God?" How long are we going to have to live with our parents? (I love them with all my heart and am so thankful for them and their graciousness, but 6 months and counting is a long time. Everyone involved should get a trophy!). God how long until we are able to start "our" family? To all those who have wondered...Matt and I are not at a place of not wanting kids. Our hearts are as ready as I think you'll ever be to have kids. We were ready a year ago and two weeks after making a decision to "start the party", I miscarried not even knowing I was pregnant when we made the decision to "start the party". I understand being a parent is hard, there are bad days, and days you might want to walk away. I am so thankful for the years that Matt and I have had, just us two! But we are ready. I have cried inside every time someone asks the question "so when are you guys having kids?" or pushed with a "you should probably get on that." It's not that Matt and I aren't ready. God isn't quite ready yet. He's not ready for our house to sell and he's not ready for us to start a family. I trust in His timing.

Despite my best attempts to handle everything that this season has brought my way and Matt & I's way, or hasn't brought our way, I have not always been able to do so. To be quite honest, I 've really struggled with it all. That's right I struggle. I read this quote yesterday that has become a new favorite of mine. The fact is that "I am simply a common woman sharing common problems seeking common solutions on a journey with an uncommon Savior." I struggle just like anyone else, and anyone who thinks I don't or shouldn't is simply off their rocker. In this season, I have struggled through all sorts of emotions, fears, and insecurities, anger, frustration, grief, and uncertainties. Things could always be worse (I'm not throwing a pity party here), but that doesn't take away from the difficulty or pain that that is present in what life sometimes brings your way. Pain is pain. There is no comparing my pain with your pain or saying her pain is greater than your pain so you shouldn't have pain. It's pain. It's difficult. And you've got to dig into it, to feel it, to understand it, to heal through it, or it will always be there. You don't always get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose your response. I admit I have not always chosen the best response to this season. I've at times chosen to dwell in the negative versus finding the positive (Please don't read any of this thinking there hasn't been anything good. There has been lots and lots of good during this season. This is just what I'm choosing to share today). I've at times let my emotions get out of control and spill over onto others. I've at times retreated in hurt instead of pushing through that hurt. But here's the deal. God has given me the strength to begin to choose the right response. He has given me the strength to pull myself off the floor, when I've fallen on my knees, desperate, sobbing I can't...

In the midst of this season, I know that God is at work to rescue me. He is at work to transform me into someone better, into the woman he wants me to be. I am so thankful for a Savior whose mercies are new each and every morning because I will never be the perfect "Pastor's Wife" (despite others expectations to be so), wife, woman, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, or friend. I will never be the perfect mom one day. I am so thankful for a Savior who reminds me time and time again that there is no such thing. I am so thankful for the ways in which God has provided for me, for Matt and I, and the way that he has worked and is still working transformational growth within me during this season: I can see it and feel it. I am so thankful for his personal provisions in my life, for the moments when he reaches in and gives me something just for me, just because he loves me. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. For a husand who isn't perfect either. For a husband that walks this journey, this season with me, as we grow together and God transforms us together. For a husband who shows me great unconditional love and patience through my rough times, who challenges me, and helps me grow through these times. He speaks the words I often don't want to hear, but know that I need to hear them. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He encourages me when no one else does. I am thankful for this tough season because it has brought us even closer together. We are stronger together because of it.

While it has been a season that I have passionately hated and have prayed for to end quickly, I know that God is using this season to produce the very fruit that I need the most. Our situation hasn't really changed, we're still in this season, we're still waiting, still in transition, but my perspective has shifted. I want to continue through this season with open hangs, choosing to trust that God's plan is so much better and to find joy throughout the journey. I have already learned so much! I can see where I've grown, and I can see where I still need to grow. And since this season isn't over yet, I know there is much more to be learned from it. So currently I am tearing through my reading list, pod-cast list, praying more, grasping at scripture, devouring anything and everything I can get my hands on that will help me work through "my stuff", that will continue to help me keep my perspective right, and that will help me keep growing and learning. The journey is good! God is good!

Giving Thanks to Trust

“Will you trust me?”

This has been God’s reoccurring question to me over the last couple months. Each day, “will you trust me?” Each week, “will you trust me?” Each month, “will you trust me?” I have found sometimes the quickness with which I answer yes to this question is intimately connected with my perspective, my focus. When life hits hard with a season full of trials and disappointments, sometimes it’s easy for me to stay focused on how nothing is going the way I want it to, it’s easy to wonder...what is God thinking. It’s easy for me to dwell with a negative perspective. It’s hard to trust that God’s plan is best. In order to keep my perspective positive, I have found that I need to choose to keep my mind focused, more so than usual, on what I have to be thankful for and the ways that God has continually provided for me. Intentionally digging deep and being observant to what’s happening in my life during the hard seasons. Not just on the surface. Sure I’m thankful for clothes, food, etc., but choosing to dig deep and look for God. I have learned during this season that God doesn’t just promise to provide, he LOVES to provide. He loves to reach down into our struggles and give us something just for us, just because. A sort of personalized provision. But if I choose not to look, if my perspective and focus isn’t right, it’s easy to miss his provision. Being focused and intentionally observant helps me see God’s personalized provisions in my life. It helps me choose to keep my heart thankful and overwhelmed with God’s love. Being thankful is a choice. Trusting is a choice. Choosing to be thankful helps me to readily choose to trust.

I also know that choosing to remember God’s previous personalized provisions, helps me to continue to choose to be thankful and to choose to trust in the future. So Tuesday’s are now my days to remember each week God’s provisions. Tuesdays are now my days to choose to remind myself to keeping choosing to be thankful and keep choosing to trust!

Tuesday Thanks:

• I am thankful for 2 books that have spoken intimately, exactly and specifically, and so profoundly into my life and current season and experiences. 2 books that have been connected in only a way God could’ve planned. 2 books that have helped me feel validated and not alone, encouraged, have helped me heal, and have taken me to a place of challenge, growth, and shift of perspective. (Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions)
• I am thankful for the Psalms. For a book full of language that I can relate and connect with. Language that I can pray in moments when I have no words. Language that I can point to, open my hands and heart and simple say God…
• I am thankful for a tough tough season that has brought an even deeper intimacy and connection with my husband. So thankful that we get to walk this journey together and grow together.
• I am thankful for diversity in people and personalities and tension in relationships because it helps me learn how to love- period.
• I am thankful for seasons of loneliness because I learn to let God be all I need.
• I am thankful for friends that God has brought to me, both new and old, in seasons of loneliness because he knows I need them....A new friend who always brings me coffee just because, who calls randomly just because to say hope you're having a great day, who always makes sure to ask How are you? followed up by really how are you?...An old friend becoming a closer friend, that gets up super early on Weds just to chat with me about life, struggles, what we're learning and growing, passions, desires, mistakes, who often speaks words from God to me, who supports me, who likes me for me...I am thankful for a new friend that despite her own struggles, saw and believed something in me, challenged me to take a next step and face fears and insecurities, and who has encouraged me as I took that next step back into something I love. An old friend who in catching up let me be completely real and honest about this season, who let me tell the story of this season-the hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, the discovery, joy, and growth. Who heard me share it finally, in safety, for the first time to someone other than Matt. Who understood I needed to be just me, who let me cry, who encouraged me, hugged me, and spoke truth into me.

Until next Tuesday....