Bittersweet Pieces

Anyone who likes to read has a favorite: a favorite book, or several books, a favorite author. There is something that sticks out about this favorite- something that draws you in, something that keeps you on the edge of your seat, something that has you holding your breath as you wait for what words are next, something that connects with you in a deep soul grabbing kind of way.

I love to read and Shauna Niequist is my absolute hands down favorite author of all time and her two books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet are my hands down two favorite books of all time. There is something about her writing that draws me in, keeps me on the edge of my seat, keeps me holding my breath not wanting to miss a word of what might be next, something that connects to the very real deep longing and yearnings of my soul. Her writing is absolutely beautiful, simplistically deep, and full of life and fresh breaths of air.

Here are a few Bittersweet pieces worth every moment of savoring, pondering, and breathing deep into the truth, joy, and heartache of your life. ENJOY...(buy the book!)

“Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth, and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, and earthy.”

“When life is sweet, say thank-you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank-you and grow.”

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

“Grace isn’t about netting out on the right side of things.

“Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.”

“When you stay with something instead of walking away, it builds something new inside you, something solid and weighty, something durable. But you do have to wait for it. You have to earn it the hard way.”

“I believe in mining through the darkest seasons in our lives and choosing to believe that we’ll find something important every time.”

“Prayer is at the heart of transformation.”

“When we pay attention and when we grow, we become freer, more flexible, more faithful, more able to ask for help. We become less fearful, more able, more comfortable with the idea of life as a beautiful mess.”

“When we, any of us who have been transformed by Christ, tell our own stories, we’re telling the story of who God is.”

“If you want your community to be marked by radical honesty, by risky, terrifying, ultimately redemptive truth-telling, you must start telling your truth first.”

Rest & Lovely Simple Things

"Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time"

Shauna Niequist

Today was a good day. The kind of lazy quiet day that seems few and far between, and it was just what my body, heart, and soul needed. Matt and I both decided we needed a day of rest, so nothing was on the agenda for the day but relaxing with each other-and laundry, the ever present third party to every household. It was a day of sleeping in until ten, waking up to crisp cool sheets at the perfect temperature, and then deciding to stay in bed until noon just because. I took my time making coffee in my new french press, and savored the aroma and the flavor of its rich, bold flavor. We ran errands, and I picked up another good book, continued to flip pages in my current read, watched movies, completed laundry, enjoyed re-heated leftovers from dinner last night reminding me why I ordered it-cause it was just that good. It was a day spent enjoying my small family of three, having simple conversations, snuggling, and laughing.

It was the kind of slow calm rhythmic day...nice...slow...easy...that has left me breathing deeper, feeling peaceful, feeling grateful. Today allowed me the opportunity to stop, notice, and savor the lovely simple things that are happening my life.

Celebrating Change

About three months ago, Matt and I found ourselves standing in front of the mirror…in silence. Silence because we were both busy: poking, pinching, turning around, turning around again, and groaning in disgust. Disgust over where months of laziness now found itself rearing its ugly head. Life had gotten busy, so had we, and amidst all the changes, the easy trips through fast food lane because we were tired, and the fourth dish of ice cream that week because well I don’t know why, we had gained something. Weight…Standing there starring at each other, shoulders slumped, fighting the urge to go eat ice cream, we made a decision to start making changes. We set our goals with determination and promised that we would celebrate success when we reached it.

Making changes became a sudden upheaval and removal of our destructive habits. Changes involving letting go of Cone Palace strawberry mountain dew and Blue Bell banana pudding ice cream, pizza dripping with cheese and juicy cheeseburgers. We traded for taking time to count calories, use measuring cups, and pack lunches, we began to fall in love with pea pods, fresh produce, yogurt parfaits, the delicious mixture of frozen blueberries and blackberries, and started filling our free time with P90x and 6 mile runs. Now we find ourselves dismissing our favorite local ice cream stop as if it were a bad idea on a boring day. We look at each other and laugh because it has become the “new” us, we have new habits, and a totally different lifestyle. We’ve changed and I'm so proud of us! We reached our goals together, felt the triumph of success, and last night, thirty-two pounds lighter, we celebrated this change together.

Breathing Deep

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

The Message, Romans 8:26-28

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed."

The Message, Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Snap Out of It

“How did I get here? I don’t remember coming this far already”. I looked around in dazed wonder as I muttered to myself. I noticed the sound of faint classical music at least I think it was classical, coming through the speakers…“what in the world”. While I completely appreciate the beauty of classical music, I would not say that I enjoy it. I imagine I was flipping continuously through the stations and forgot what I was doing. I immediately started flipping again. Exhausted from the day behind me, driving home I had zoned out. Same route almost everyday, same feeling everyday, this drive keeps getting longer and longer. On autopilot, I realized I had made turns and stopped at lights all without realizing it. Supposedly in control, after all I was behind the wheel, and yet I had no recollection of the drive so far. Thankful I hadn’t run off the road, I sat up a little straighter, stretched my leg that was starting to cramp, and hunkered in again. Halfway there…I sighed and my mind began to drift away, reflecting on life. Sighing again, trying to let stress and tension out I began rubbing the back of my neck. Another migraine. Tears started flowing...

Life has brought me to a place that I hate. It’s dark and it’s lonely and I feel myself groaning with every fiber of my being “how did I get here?” I’m a firm believer that Satan loves to attack when things are on the up & up: when we’re flying high and feeling invincible, when we take control and turn our backs, in our perceived confidence we are vulnerable, and he strikes. And it feels completely out of the blue, like the wind has been knocked out of you and your left desperately gasping for air, panic settling in with each breathe you take. How did I get here...I’ve been living a smaller story.

I’ve been living in two worlds. I see great things in one world. I see things moving forward. God’s fingerprints are everywhere, lives are being changed, truth is being revealed, it’s exciting, contagious, and absolutely beautiful. In the other world, well...emptiness, lonliness, confusion, uncertainty, fear, anger, and disappointment. I’ve lost sight of the good things, even though they are there. The trouble is you can’t really live in two worlds. Sooner or later the one you’ve tried to keep controlled overflows, like water boiling over. I’ve reached a place where I don’t know myself. I’ve become a tangled unraveled mess of raw, uncontrolled, overflowing emotions. I’ve come face to face with the seriously ugly parts of me recently and it’s not been pretty. I’ve been stubborn, selfish, impatient: much like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum I have pouted and stomped my foot at God. I have wondered why He wasn’t holding up His end of “the deal”. I’ve been wanting things my way, on my time-right now. In my meable attempts to stay strong, I’ve grown weak, tired, miserable, and tense. I have been living focused on me. I desperately want out of this world.

The good news is that even in the times when we’ve lost sight of God and His story for our lives, He has never lost sight of us, of our part in His plot. He has never stopped passionately intensely chasing after us, patiently waiting for us to “snap out of it”, to re-enter His story. Tonight I encountered God in a way I know only He could plan, with words only He knew I needed to hear, and amongst things He knows I love: a good book and coffee. This season is just that, a season, a small brief chapter in the much bigger story that He is writing for me. A story of life, growth, change, and renewal. As I sat there, sipping my coffee, tears pouring down my face and dropping on new fresh pages, I felt peace.

Opening Up

Being willing to open up to others takes risk.

When you open yourself to others, the mask that you wear and the walls that you have spent so much time erecting, dissolve in an instant leaving you feeling at times very vulnerable. In our vulnerability others see our true selves, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being vulnerable can feel like you are no longer in control of your emotions and actions, it can feel like you are being dependent on others and needing their validation, it can feel like you’ve just lept off a ledge and no one will be there to catch you. The fear of others rejecting your 'real' self is incredibly scary isn’t it?...

I am not someone who is a risk taker and not someone who automatically trusts others, partially due to how God has wired me and partially if I’m honest due to past experiences. Opening myself up to others is scary for me. I have been hurt, judged unfairly, betrayed, tossed to the side, and kicked while I’m down. I would imagine we’ve all felt this way at some point in our lives. And gut check, if I'm really honest with myself I’ve probably been the culprit of causing someone else feel this way. You probably have to (I know I know, you can’t make someone feel anything, it’s their choice, but let’s be real). The fears that build from these experiences breed insecurity and can hold me captive if I'm not careful.

In contrast, I’ve felt the joy of having someone truly love me, accept me for who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly, in all seriousness even the really ugly. The friends that can finish my sentences for me, and know what my looks mean without words. The friends that know when I need words or a kick in the rear, and when all I desperately long for is a hug or someone to just sit with me or pray for me. In some seasons of life these friends are in abundance and in other seasons I feel entirely and utterly alone.

Opening up myself to others is a big risk, and there is much wisdom and discernment that is needed as I balance when to open myself up, with who, and how much. But here’s the deal….if I do not risk at some point, I will not experience love or friendship. Neither will you. I write this because I feel like there is so much God is currently working out in my life and teaching me...working through trust issues, forgiving hurts, letting go of past hurts, forgiving again, moving forward through fears and insecurities, learning to lean on Him as my sole refuge. I need to “sort it all out”. Here’s what I know…

* Always remember that...

“As children of God, we will never be totally alone, no matter how lonely or rejected we may feel at moments in our life.”

God knows our hearts, our needs and wants, all our fears, insecurities, struggles, hurts, etc. He is the one constant and the only one that will always be there for you and will never let you down. There is nothing more that you can do to earn His love and nothing you can do will diminish His love for you. He loves you...period. He wants to walk hand in hand with you, to hold you when you cry, to listen to you, to encourage you, to correct and guide you, to cheer for you, to give you the strength to keep going, and the courage to take risks. Trust Him...

“There is a thief that comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But I have come that you might have life, and life to the full.” John 10:10

This thief desperately and passionately works to build fear and breed insecurity within you, to keep you from experiencing the fullness and the joy God wants you to find in relationships, to keep your focus off of God’s work in your life, and to keep you from impacting others by not sharing your life. I know he’s been working intensely on me and if I’m completely honest has recently been incredibly successful at holding me captive in my fears and insecurities. God wants more for me than this. I am desperately trying to keep Him in front and seek him alone...

Be brave, take risks, open up, and sort it all out.

Life Update

WHIRLWIND-nothing short of how I would describe this last year of our lives. About a year ago, Matt and I both felt like God was starting to call us in a different direction. Ok, if I'm honest Matt felt God calling us in a different direction. In typical Jenn fashion, it took me awhile to catch on. A passion was building within Matt to do a church plant. I didn't grow up in ministry world, so to be honest I was a little hazy about what church planting would mean, all I saw was instability. I am someone who likes a plan and usually has 2 or 3 back up plans in case plan A doesn't work out. Instability is not my forte and I just wanted to understand upfront what I was getting myself into (so I could plan, lol). We were in a good place, and pretty comfortable. I wasn't opposed to the idea, just didn't fully understand what it meant.

Matt and I started reading a book together called "Wild Goose Chase"-an incredible book about chasing the call of God in your life, and being willing to push through the many different fears that often hold us back. Through many conversations stirred up by what we were reading and lots of prayer, God really started shifting my heart towards this call. I began to see this church planting call on Matt's life, it became "real" to me. I got excited! I began to feel this same passion and fire build within me. God was calling us out of our comfort zone into a world of unknowns. In typical Jenn fashion, although I had been cautious up front, I was now convinced, and ready to run with this new adventure in our lives. Over the next several months, we started taking steps towards pursuing this "church plant" idea. Immediately God started opening doors and putting things together. With each step that we took towards God's plan, we saw affirmation upon affirmation that we were going in the right direction.

Long story short, we landed in Noblesville and are currently in the process of planting CitySpring Church. God has given such a clear vision for this place and this community! We pushed and are still pushing through the many fears and uncertainties that are amidst the journey, but we have chosen to chase God's calling on our lives (whatever that looks like). I know without a doubt that we are right where God wants us, that we are journeying in His plan. The beauty of this is that despite the instability that surrounds us, I can find stability in knowing that God will fulfill His plan, not just in our lives, but His plan for CitySpring.

I continue to trust in His promises...

"Think about this. Wrap your minds around it.

This is serious business. Take it to heart.

Remember your history,

your long and rich history.

I am God, the only God you've had or ever will have—

incomparable, irreplaceable—

From the very beginning

telling you what the ending will be,

All along letting you in

on what is going to happen,

Assuring you, I'm in this for the long haul,

I'll do exactly what I set out to do,

Calling that eagle, Cyrus, out of the east,

from a far country the man I chose to help me.

I've said it, and I'll most certainly do it.

I've planned it, so it's as good as done."

The Message, Isaiah 46: 8-11

Check out CitySpring Church at

http://www.cityspring.org