Catching Up

Jess and Maelle

Saturday I met a good friend I haven't seen in awhile for lunch. She brought with her, her sweet 3 month old little mess of cuteness for me to steal and hold for a few hours. I couldn't have been more excited! Over good pasta and heavenly cheesecake we caught up on the past year's events, news, ways in which God has worked and provided, and lessons learned. It's so incredibly refreshing and encouraging to have friends, though miles away, who you know are lifting you and your family up in prayer. I left our lunch feeling so thankful and richly blessed for the friends, both near and far, that God has placed in my life. 

ALIVE

The past couple weeks a local radio station I listen to a lot has been talking about having a "word of the year", picking one word that sums up what you want to focus on this year. To be honest sometimes I struggle with the cheesiness that exists on christian radio stations, but this I thought was good stuff. I decided to pick a word. It was harder then I thought it would be. After 2 weeks of narrowing down options and spending some time thinking and praying, I finally picked a word. One word...ALIVE.


I want to intentionally focus on being ALIVE this year. Sometimes it's so easy to go through the motions of life, to be present, but still miss SO much. I want to focus on each moment, to breathe deep in life's goodness, to experience fullness, to be ALIVE in each action, each conversation, every friendship, my family, my marriage, at work...each day, each week, every month...ALIVE. 

Regardless...BAM.

BAM...Last Thursday morning on my drive to work, God called me out. Black and white, He put me in my place. I so needed the redirection. Sometimes it's easy to associate our "personal" relationship with God with what we know, our human friendships. So naturally it's easy to expect God to work the same way our human friendships often do. I find I do this most when it comes to times in life when I've been hurt. I get hurt, so somewhere deep inside a small quiet thought processes my relationship with God as "well, God has my back, God's on my side." It's what we often expect of our friends right? 

God doesn't work like this and He reminded me of it that morning. I was doing some reflection on the journey of life, on Matt and I's journey this last year. He gently and lovingly, but very bluntly reminded me of these things...He DOES NOT love me more then those that have hurt me. God shows NO favoritism. God loves and pursues EVERYONE the same. He reminded me that He loves those that hurt me JUST AS MUCH as He loves me. God's heart breaks at the brokenness that causes hurt in EVERYONE. Gods knows all and sees all. He is not on my side. He is on the side of bringing full life and restoration out of brokenness. He is on the side of always giving forgiveness and love. He is on the side of showing grace and mercy. He is on the side of bringing peace and unity. God is on the side of passionately pursuing the above- REGARDLESS. God reminded me that if I am in relationship with Him, I need to always be about the same- regardless.

2011-To Whatever Comes

I'm a little late on these thoughts, but the last couple weeks have been super busy and I still wanted to share. I said goodbye to 2010, with if I can be honest, a huge sigh of relief. I felt like I could breathe again. I made it. 2010...it was a CRAZY whirlwind year, full of many great blessings, but also full of change, transition, and hurt... I know the change to the new year isn't some great huge dramatic change. It simply starts another day, another week/month with different numbers in the date. But for me, I was counting down the switch. As I reflected back on 2010 I found myself in a weird tension. I was/am so grateful for the many great blessings and provisions God gave our family this last year. I wanted to focus my heart the positive, on the GOOD things about 2010. But I also found my heart in a place of being tired. I wanted to get rid of 2010, to put it behind me. I found myself yearning for a new clean slate. I found myself praying "God, I need this year to be as calm and smooth as any year in life can possibly be." What I heard back was this....
You don't need a smooth, calm year. You need to continue to focus on pursuing me, walking with me, and letting me guide you through whatever comes. So...


2011-Here's to a new year, a new slate, a new focus, and a new perspective. To whatever comes...

It's A New Season

Filled with Faith that God will continue to provide.

Fill with awe for the ways God has
been present in our lives this year.

Filled with remembering to continue to take steps
forward together as a family.

Filled with love. We've got each other.

Filled with joy, laughter, and entertainment. 

Relentless Pursuit

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”

Mario Andretti

I’m finding an ugly pattern in my life. I want to be someone who is always learning and growing, so one thing try to be diligent at is setting goals, short-term and long term in my life. I always start out extremely motivated about these goals. But what I’m finding is somewhere, somehow during the pursuit of my goals (not all but some) I inevitably run out of steam. Perfect example. I desire to be a runner, not just a casual “I can run a mile” runner, definitely not the hard core “I can run 13 miles in 1 hour” runner either, but a runner. At some point in my life I have the desire to run a full marathon. Call me crazy, but it’s a HUGE life goal of mine. I thoroughly enjoy running-when I stick with it. I love the challenge, the stress release, the energy it gives me. I love being able to zone out, breathe in fresh air, watch beautiful country sunsets in the early evening…Next weekend I’m running my second mini-marathon. To be honest, I’m nervous, a little sick to my stomach actually. Somewhere around Mid-August I ran out of stream with training. My husband likes to give me a hard time for it. I could rattle off a ton of excuses; it got super hot, it was very time-consuming, I was training alone… Bottom line-I was not relentless in my training commitment. My pattern reared its ugly little head; even though I had a tremendous desire and motivation to reach my goal I lost focus. I lost steam in the day to day, week after week, month after month, journey. I forgot about what it takes to reach the end result. I got discouraged. I WILL complete the race next weekend, but it will undoubtedly be painful and nowhere near as enjoyable or as fulfilling as it could’ve been had I trained harder and longer. I definitely will not run it as fast I as could have.

I see this same pattern in my spiritual journey sometimes. My greatest desire, a deep soul burning desire, is to know God. Not a knowing that understands all there is to understand, or has the answers to every question, because that’s not possible. But I want to be intimately connected with Him. More than anything else in my life, I want my life to reflect Him, to overflow with Him, to point to Him. I want to be firmly secure in an understanding of who I am in Him. If I do nothing else with my life, that is what I want to be remembered for; a woman who walked closely with God. There are so many times when I have the desire to know God, but I seem to run out of steam or drop off in my determination to daily seek Him. I’m sure you can relate. Yes, this Pastor’s Wife has moments when I realize I haven’t prayed much recently or find myself trying to remember the last time I read my Bible. I even have times when I have the desire to pray or spend time with God, but I seem at a loss of what to say or what to do, digging for energy yet finding none. My focus gets off track so easily. I lose focus of seeking to truly know God and instead spend time focused on learning more information. I’m starting to recognize that when I run out of steam in my spiritual journey, it is because I’ve been focusing on the wrong thing …information vs. relationship, checking a to do list vs. relationship, fulfilling a role vs. relationship, etc. To know God is a constant journey. I lose steam because much like running I get lost in the day to day, week after week, month after month, year after year, journey. A journey in which I must put in the work on the good and bad days, the exciting and boring days, the painful and carefree days, the days when I want to and the days when I don’t. I could rattle off endless excuses. I get tired, I get lazy… Bottom line-I’m not always relentless in my commitment to training on my spiritual journey. Unlike running a race, there is not an end to this training. As long as I’m here I’m in training.

To know God, to build that intimate relationship, I have to move past simply the desire to know Him and move into a determination and commitment to pursuing Him. I must be relentless in my pursuit of Him.

Relentless:
showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace.

This last week I was reminded and challenged by my hubby to make sure I check my heart. God sees through everything on the surface. He sees straight through to my heart. God knows when I’m going through the motions, when I’m losing steam, when I’m getting off track. More often than not, I know it to. The question is in those moments will I choose to get back on track and truly relentlessly seek God above all else? I never want to “fake it”. This week I’m focusing on regaining focus. I’m letting many good things go (like books, podcasts, articles, music even) and focusing on simply, humbly, intentionally, relentlessly drawing near to God.

“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”

The Message, Jeremiah 29:13-14

Tuesday Thanks

I am thankful…

That my security is in Christ; not a job, not things, not looks, not relationships, or anything else.

That I have good health.

For the opportunity to learn.

For my husband Matthew. For specifically: his leadership and wisdom, his servant’s heart, his passion to teach, his love for others, his ability to communicate well, and his commitment to a vision God has given him. I learn so much from him and am constantly challenged and inspired through how he models life lived in Christ. So blessed to have him by my side!

All of us are lacking in certain areas of life where we have not received the modeling we needed. I am thankful for those in my life (specifically a few individuals) who have modeled for me healthy relationships, marriage, parenting, family, etc. This has been HUGE for me in so many ways! 

For Thursday nights and good weekends!

For the ways I see God working in my friends’ lives. It is so exciting and so encouraging to watch!

5:00pm

Heartache and Celebration

October Twenty First. 


Today a little piece of my heart holds a tiny, small, dull ache. A year ago today I had a miscarriage. I remember everything about that day; where I was, what I was doing, who I had conversations with, and what those conversations were about. It was totally unexpected. That day I lost what I didn’t know I had, what my husband and I had, what I didn’t realize I wanted enough to hurt over losing. But my heart hurt! And I cried. But I healed and the huge ache that first felt raw and sharp has now shrunk to the tiny, small, dull ache. I am now thankful for many things about that day. I am thankful for my nurse who removed guilt by speaking just the right words, “this was not your fault.” I am thankful that in not knowing my heart was not given the chance to attach; there was no name given, no due dates set (only one date to feel the heartache). I am thankful in a weird way for what I do not have because I’m not sure how it would’ve all worked during this last season of our lives. I am thankful that…

“The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

Romans 8:26-28 

Today I pause for a second to remember the heartache of loss.

BUT

Today I also pause in celebration of life. 

God has a way of showing up in life in extraordinary ways. The same week that I experienced my heartache and loss, one of my dearest friends experienced the joy and celebration of having her first child, a beautiful little girl. I remember the conversation I had with my friend that day. I remember I was feeling anxious about what was unconfirmed and having a sinking gut feeling that I knew I had miscarried. At the same time, I was so incredibly excited for my friend. I had journeyed this pregnancy with her in a way and I was on the edge of my seat with the anticipation of getting to see this little girl we had been talking about and praying about for 9 months! I held my friends little girl the day after my doctor confirmed I had miscarried. Beautiful dark hair and dark eyes, a tiny little thing, she was gorgeous! She will always hold a special place in my heart. (Another good friend of mine just had her first child, a beautiful little girl the beginning of this week)

Through the birth of my friends children in this particular week God has given me a gift. He has given me the chance to celebrate life, newness, and excitement in a week that may have always symbolized loss, pain, and grief. This gift of celebration in the midst of heartache is one I will always treasure. 

R-A-C It Up!!

 I read this quote the other day...

"He who neglects the past is doomed to repeat it. When we don't sit back in an armchair with a cup of coffee after a failure (no matter what kind) and ask ourselves "why?" we're likely to end up in the same place again." 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to always have to visit some of the places I've been again, or make the same mistake or failure. I want to be someone who is always growing and learning. I want learn a lot from other people, those much wiser and experienced then I.  I am keenly aware (probably more then anything else) that I don't know all there is to know about everything.  But I also want to learn from myself. I want to be someone who learns from my mistakes. Someone who learns from my failures. I know there's a lot to learn, because boy do I seem to always mess up. The tragedy is not that one makes mistakes or fails, but that one never learns from their mistakes or failures. Self-Relfection is KEY!


In self-reflection, I ask myself lots of questions (I shared in an earlier post some of these questions). But one in particular that I routinely ask myself is “Am I managing my emotions or are my emotions managing me?” I’ll be honest even though I ask this question a lot, and believe me I do not exaggerate when I say A LOT, I am not great at managing my emotions. This "check-in with me" question often results in an “oh crap” moment and I realize I’m not managing my emotions, my vision has been clouded, and instead of dealing with my emotions proactively I find that I'm reacting much like the ball shot in a pinball machine. I often wear my emotions on my sleeve. It’s not something I intentionally do, in fact I absolutely loathe this weakness of mine! My husband does a great job at keeping me accountable in this area! I choose to work hard at trying to maintain awareness of my facial expressions and not allowing my emotions, as intense as they might be in a moment (good or bad), to overflow because of the impact on those around me. Honestly in the past I have left this weakness unchecked and caused hurt to those I care about and left unchecked will do so in the future. Many of those moments I would take back in a heartbeat if I could, because they’re not something I’m proud of. I have learned that how you respond to how you feel about any given situation always affects those around you, whether you want it to or not, whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it involves those around you or not. When you allow your emotions to manage you and overflow onto others, you are involving them. Intense positive emotions and intense negative emotions can both have the same negative effect on someone around you if not managed. There is always a ripple affect. For me it’s a struggle. And the struggle exists in maintaining a safe, healthy, truly authentic balance of my emotions. 

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion, that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.” 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Here is a little something I practice that helps me TRY to manage my negative emotions.  

R-A-C IT UP!

RECOGNIZE

ACCEPT

CHOOSE

RECOGNIZE-Stop and recognize my emotions. I try to be aware of surface emotions versus underlying emotions. For example, underneath all feelings of anger lies fear. I try to get specific. Recognize not just what I'm feeling, but why. What is at the root of my emotion? This helps get me to the underlying emotion. I've got to crack the surface emotion to understand how to manage. I try to recognize the intensity of my emotion. For example, anger can move from dismayed, to exasperated, to rage. If I feel angry, why? Am I angry because I'm afraid of something? How angry am I? I cannot manage my emotions and grow if I don't take the time to recognize what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, and to what extent.


ACCEPT-Stop and accept my emotion. Emotions good or bad, are ok. What I feel is always valid. My feelings can sometimes be based around misperceptions which is why I try to first recognize why I'm feeling that way and if I'm missing factual information get it. Sometimes I need help from someone safe to understand the misperceptions I might be having. But even with misperceptions the feeling is still valid. To manage an emotion, you have to feel it. I've learned if I repress it or ignore the emotion it will always pop up later and it's usually not pretty. To manage an emotion and grow I've got to accept that it's ok to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. 


CHOOSE-Stop and choose how I will respond in light of what I understand about my emotion. Notice I didn't say I choose my response because of the emotion (reacting). I've found choosing how to respond based on reaction always turns out bad. I choose my response based on what I understand about my emotion from the above (proactive). To say proactive sounds a little off because its after feeling the emotion, but choosing my response based on understanding my emotion will always help work through the emotion quicker in the future, hince the proactive. The choice is always mine on how I will manage how I feel. Will it be in a healthy way for myself and those around me or not? Will I lash out when I'm angry or communicate appropriately how I feel? Will I dwell on negative emotions too long or will I recognize them, accept them and deal with them, and then move on? Will I choose to accept that I sometimes have misperceptions and sometimes I might need more info or do I choose to make my misperception reality? Will I grow or not grow? 

“The emotions aren’t always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” 

William James 

Written out these steps sound very detailed and could seem like it would take too long to actually help manage my emotions in the moment. BUT here's what I do. Save the broken down details for personal self-reflection moments, when you're alone or with someone safe. In the moment, remember R-A-C IT UP! Recognize it, accept it, choose in the moment the right response/action, and check it for self-reflection time. 

R-A-C It Up Friends!! 

Tuesday Thanks on Wednesday

Black and white here it is. This week I haven’t really felt like being thankful or having a positive attitude. I’ve been grumpy. Shave the beard, add a little height, and a pair of heels and I’ve been the little grumpy dwarf from Snow White standing with his arms crossed. I’ve felt like stomping my foot, balling up my fists, and holding on to my frustrations, hurt feelings, and a little anger. To say anything else would be lying and pretending. I've needed a change in attitude. Yesterday was a day when even though I didn’t want to, I should have made myself sit down and write this list of thanks. It probably would’ve done wonders to help change my attitude. But I didn’t. I thought about it but didn’t. Last night I needed to take deep breathes, forgive, and let go. I needed to let go of how my expectations, needs, and wants that weren’t being met. But I didn’t. So don’t worry, I got my attitude check alright. Last night God checked me and it felt very much like getting the wind got knocked out of me. My week and I got started off on completely the wrong foot, but this morning I feel like we’re on the up and up and headed in the right direction. This list may or may not be shorter than usual, but I promise you it has been written with a spirit of gratefulness, humility, and with the right attitude this morning.


I’m thankful for:


*My friend who lets me be completely honest and vent when I’m feeling frustrated. She reminds me its ok and I’m not alone. But what I’m most thankful for about this friend is she always follows listening with encouraging me, building me up, and then speaking wise words that I need to hear. Today I’m thankful that she reminds me to drop it and let it go.


*My Bruiser who always seems to know when Mama needs a little bit of extra loving. He cuddles up with his fat rolls and looks up with his sad little eyes and seems to say “I love you.” Melts my heart every time.


*The tough days in marriage. The tough days remind me that marriage is HARD work, because two imperfect people married each other. I am reminded that the hardest work HAS to start with me and in me. The tough days remind me of my imperfections and my great responsibility to forgive and let go, to be full of grace, and to focus on my responsibilities to my husband instead of my rights. The tough days make me grow and open my eyes to my tendency to get incredibly lazy and selfish! Nothing shows me quicker how well or not well I’m doing at living out my faith then my marriage in the tough days. The tough days bring me to my knees, they hurt, and often bring rivers of tears, but they also bring life. I am so thankful for a marriage centered in Christ, and for a husband who I know loves me: through our tough days, despite our tough days, he is committed to me, and to our growth individually and together beyond the tough days. I am thankful for the journey of marriage. It is sometimes hard and painful, but it is beautiful and worth every moment.


*Early Wednesday morning conversations over coffee: blessed, beautiful, thought inspiring, life breathing, humorous, fresh, raw conversations.

Asking Questions

I believe that the ability to ask good questions is a form of art. There is something about a good question that digs through the surface and reaches down into an issue or someone and pulls the heart, the guts of the matter into the light. Good questions start a journey that often leads to more questions and not always answers. But I believe discovery in the journey comes not always in the answer, but in allowing the process of questions. It takes time and thought, wisdom and discernment to not just ask a question, but a good question and many questions often lie before the one that hits the heart. Good questions bring focus. I have found that when I stop asking questions, I stop learning and growing because the questions are what keep me focused, the questions are what keep me aware. The seasons of life where I feel like I've grown the most are the seasons in which I am purposefully asking and continually asking myself and others questions. Sometimes there are questions that need to be re-asked and re-asked. I admire those that have the gift of asking good questions, because I do not consider myself one of those people. Often I find myself in situations muttering to myself, "I should totally have a question for this". But I also believe that the art of asking good questions is not an art of "I have it or I don't", like being able to paint or draw (neither of which I can do). I believe the art of asking good questions is an art that one grows into out of practice. And so, these days I am asking lots of questions, expecting to find more questions, and hoping to ask better questions.

Questions I've been asking myself:

*What am I passionate about? What makes me come alive? Am I doing this?
*What do I I want my life to be about?
*Where do I see God working in my life? Am I spending enough time looking for God? Am I spending enough time with God?
*In what ways am I growing? Does my life and my actions reflect this growth? In what ways do I need to grow more? Am I actively doing the things that will help me grow in these areas?
*Am I living in security? Where am I feeling insecure and what is the root of this insecurity?
*Is there anything I am currently afraid of and why?
*What am I learning?
*Is there anything I am holding onto that I need to let go of?
*Is there anyone I need to forgive today? Is there anyone I need to ask to forgive me?
*Is the posture of my heart one of humility of pride?
*Am I living grace?
*Am I allowing God to love me? Am I choosing to love Others, or just those who are easy for me to love?
*Am I surrounding myself with the right people-the right voices?
*Do I listen to those who speak truth into my life, even when I don't want to hear it?
*Am I being a safe person?
*Am I in control of my emotions or letting my emotions control me?
*What do I want my focus to be and is it there?
*How am I doing with: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentlesness, faithfulness, and self-control?

Tuesday Thanks

With the craziness of last week I managed to forget to post my "Tuesday Thanks", so this could get long. I've definitely noticed that the more I focus my thoughts around what I am thankful for, the more thankful I am for the things that I have and the more I notice things I'm thankful for. I have been blessed with so much and in so many ways!


^"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2: 6-7


"Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 106:1


Here is what has stood out to me this week: I am thankful for...


* Our new one bedroom apartment! It's cozy and homey, it's ours, it's perfect for us, and it's so much more than what many have.


*Those that take time to help others. I am so thankful for everyone who helped us move. It made everything about moving so much easier, so much faster, and less stressful!


*A short 15 minute drive to work because it allows me to sleep longer and I have noticed a tremendous difference in how rested my body feels with an extra hour of sleep everyday.


*Good jobs that allow Matt and I the ability to be able to afford (while not ideal or a first option) to pay for both our house and apartment, to be able to make this move forward for our family!


*My new corner. I simply love it! I love what has already taken place in this corner. I cannot wait to see what happens in the future: what is read, dots that are connected, conversations that are had, and words that are written. God is going to do big things, in my heart, in this corner.


*All the ways that God is working in my life. I see His hand everywhere and I am learning SO much! (post to come on what I'm learning) I am so thankful for these lessons because I know God is continually refining my rough edges, molding and shaping me into something beautiful...someone more like Him.


"Come near to God and He will come near to you." -James 4:8


"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."- Jeremiah 29:12-13


*Moleskins. Perfect little notepads that are just the right thickness and weight to literally carry everywhere I go. I use them to jot down my thoughts, what I'm hearing, and what I'm learning.


*CitySpring Church! I am thankful for being able to see God's vision come alive at CitySpring. I am thankful for church full of people striving to follow God, striving to be outward focused, and striving change their community. I am thankful for a church with a staff who pours themselves out tiressly in volunteering for this vision of CitySpring. I am so thankful for their passion, dedication, hard work, gift, and talents that make the CitySpring wheel go round! God is making it happen through them and I couldn't be more proud of them!!!!


*Having the chance to get to know new people.


*People's stories. I love hearing people's stories, whether big or small, new or old because it's their story and there is something so powerful about just that. I always learn something! I am so thankful for those who are brave enough and real enough to share their stories, big or small, new or old, good or bad, full of joy or full of trial because someone will always relate even if it's just one. (more on this later)


*Music and songs and the way that my heart always feels connected to God through their music and words.


What are you thankful for?

Turning Pages: New Steps, New Growth, & New Memories

Tonight I am stopping to reflect and let my thoughts catch up to my life. Right now I am savoring this moment because I have been looking forward to this moment all week. I am sitting in my new favorite place, my corner. It's nothing more then the left side of our little couch next to the end table, but there's something about this spot that's mine. The minute I arranged it I knew: this would be a spot where many good conservations would be had over coffee, many good books would be read, this would be my spot for digging into God's word before anyone else is awake, and this would be my spot for bringing life to my thoughts. 

My corner feels perfect for reflection. It's been a big week for our family. Last weekend was "Move Weekend" for the Gaylors. For those of you who don't know, since we've started this new journey we've been in transition. Waiting for a house to sell or at least get a renter and for the last 7 months we've been living with Matt's parents. Our little house still hasn't sold and there's no renter yet, but we decided to take a step forward. We needed some movement in this season. So last weekend we finally moved. We packed up everything in our little 3 bedroom house, everything from Matt's parent's, and moved into a little one bedroom apartment. I can honestly say I've never been so excited to live in something so small, and have found that it's actually quite perfect for us. It was a crazy exhausting weekend, filled with late nights, early mornings, long drives, boxes, trash bags, and no naps. But it was a weekend full of new steps and new life. 

Matt and I have learned so much during this transition. We have learned what it means to fully and completely trust in God's plan for our lives, even when it looks different than what we thought it would and when we don't fully understand it. We have learned what it means to be content with where God has us and what He has given us. We have learned what it means to look for God's work in our lives during what feels like a dry desert season. We have learned a new kind of patience. We have learned so much about marriage and what it means to work through tough seasons together, to grow stronger together, to encourage each other, and how to keep "us" a safe harbor in a swirling storm.  We are better as a result of this season. Not simply because of this season, but because we chose to let God do His work in us, and chose to believe that God was still in control during this season. 

I had a a few moments to pause before we left our house up north. I was surprised to find myself at the brink of tears. Not because of what we were leaving, God totally has us exactly where our hearts will thrive and come alive, and I personally thank God everyday that we now live in what we call civilization.  The tears came because of the memories of what we had experienced together there in that little house, our first house. Many firsts were experienced in that house. I let the memories flood in and allowed myself to grieve for a moment, but as I walked out and locked the door those old memories were replaced by a flood of excitement about the new moments that we would be making. 

My corner feels perfect for anticipating what's to come. Move Weekend for us symbolized a turning of the page. We are still in the chapter of transition, but we're one page closer, one step closer to the end. I can't wait to see what the next pages have in store.

Healing Insecurity

Insecurity is simply no fun. It often tags along unwanted and many times unnoticed. I have struggled with it, more during some seasons than others. I know I'm not the only one with insecurities. We ALL have them, men and women, some are plagued by insecurity more then others. I am learning to be aware of my insecurities, to recognize insecurity when it appears, to address it, to dig into it, to refuse it, to allow God to heal my heart and mind through it, and to find true security in God alone. It's not easy, it's tough work, but it's worth every moment. If you struggle with insecurity I challenge you to open yourself to God, in blunt honesty, and allow Him to change you.

Dear God,

I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restoration. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble-even torment-it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it’s made a fool of me. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do by myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how I am made and who I am meant to be. You know the way I’m formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Deliver me. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don’t need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don’t have to fake feelings I don’t posses or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought and every disappointment. You know every ugly or stupid thing I’ve ever said or done out of insecurity. You see into my soul, and You look beyond my failures to the depth of my need. Reveal Yourself to me. Give me insight into patterns I’ve developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in Your light. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You’re willing to heal. You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can’t even figure myself out. Help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that at times I’ve created my own misery. As I confess, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other.

Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing Your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousies that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so focused on what I don’t have that I leave the gifts You’ve given me untouched and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking so little of the person You’ve made me. Forgive me for despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me for every time I’ve sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won’t be great. Forgive me for self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Convict me until I’m instantly aware when insecurity is my own fault. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.Pull up the causes of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and bring healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand. Empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up continuing the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me. Be my gain. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness. Don’t stop until You’ve made a miracle of me. Help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing reveals my false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to bring what needs changing in me and to increase my appreciation for the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

You entrusted to me my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition. You knew what You were doing when you formed me in my mother’s womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself known in me. Please deliver me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. Help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. Remind me that I am capable of great transformation with You. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to stop being to easily wounded, but at the same time, keep my heart from becoming hard. Help me to realize that it’s pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be forced. I cannot put any human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. In the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. There have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. I thank you for them.

I thank you for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead of me. Please restore all that insecurity has stolen from me. Turn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quiet what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman. Make me into the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I receive everything that I have requested in You this day. Let this seep into every corner of my life and invade my entire belief system. I take my dignity back. No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I’ve lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You!

In Jesus Name....

Wash Me

Many of the deepest most honest conversations I have had with God have happened in the shower. Behind the curtain, underneath the music that is often blaring, I find quiet. In this space something always happens. God shows up, and I leave changed and renewed; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Wash Me...

Step in,
Dirty

Broken

Exposed, vulnerable, and raw
Seeking you to wash me
Alone and shaken filled with hurt
Seeking you to wash me
Baring all, my thoughts, my tears, my whispered desperate cries
Seeking you to wash me

Open

In my seeking You draw near
Quietly you wash me
Water softly pours your grace
Quietly you wash me
Gently scrubbing, removing dirt
Quietly you wash me

Trusting

In my seeking You draw near
Quietly you fill me
Water softly pours your love
Quietly you fill me
Restored with peace, redeeming hope
Quietly you fill me
Finding strength and healing joy
Quietly you fill me


Whole

Clean
Step Out

Tuesday Thanks

Today I am thankful for...

*Beautiful fall days and the change that fall brings. For the fresh crispness of the cool fall air, sweetly mixed with just enough warmth. For the colors of fall that always remind me of a bowl of fruity pebbles. For pumpkin spice latte's, pumpkin bread, and the new found deliciousness of pumpkin ice cream. For the gorgeous fall sunrises that beg for reflection.

*MOVE DAY! For the tiny small one bedroom apartment Matt and I are moving into on Saturday. It will be small and tight, but it will be ours! Move Day brings a small step forward in this transition for us. Our transition is not over yet, but Move Day brings refreshing movement to what has felt like a stagnant season. ( I am also thankful for amazing in-laws; in-laws who have graciously allowed us to invade their home over the last 6 1/2 months and in doing so tremendously blessed us.)

*For a God full of love for me. A God who knows, who understands completely. A God who points me to the right scripture at just the right moment last night when I needed to hear His oh so right words.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." Psalm 38:9

*I am thankful for artists who choose to do the hard work of creating, who recognize the importance of creating, because from their creations others like me find healing and are inspired and challenged to think more, to see more, to reflect more, and to remember that we were all made to create something.

My Land Between

Last night I finished a book about finding God in difficult transitions, in difficult seasons, in the spaces where you find yourself, against your will or plan, placed smack dab in the last place you want to be. The Land Between: a space between where you were and where you want to be, a space of waiting because God isn't taking you there yet. God prepared my heart for this book. He knew what I didn't, that I was smack dab in the middle of my own Land Between and needed to hear literally everything this book had to offer. But he knew I wasn't quite ready for it. So he gave me a book called "Bittersweet" to help me feel not alone & understood, encouraged, to help me begin to heal and open my hands. Then he gave me The Land Between to help me dig deep, to be challenged, to grow, and to shift my perspective. What I didn't know until later was that The Land Between was the book that helped the author of Bittersweet get to a place of healing so that she could even write bittersweet. God's hand working...

This season has been tough, really tough. Matt & I have coined this season our "Land Between", a season of waiting in the desert of God's plan. It's been a season filled with great excitement and anticipation, but also filled with great stress, disappointment, and anxiety. It's been a season of waiting and wondering together "how long God?" Over the last couple months & really longer than that, I hav etried to keep my head above water as multiple major life changes hit us all at once. Granted some of these changes were great and have been great, but still everything together all at once was a lot! And then some changes we were expecting didn't happen. We didn't sell our house, we still haven't. And we've been in this space of stuckness watching half of our lives move forward in excitement while the other half just sits. We're at a place of readiness and longingness to move forward. "How long God?" How long are we going to have to live with our parents? (I love them with all my heart and am so thankful for them and their graciousness, but 6 months and counting is a long time. Everyone involved should get a trophy!). God how long until we are able to start "our" family? To all those who have wondered...Matt and I are not at a place of not wanting kids. Our hearts are as ready as I think you'll ever be to have kids. We were ready a year ago and two weeks after making a decision to "start the party", I miscarried not even knowing I was pregnant when we made the decision to "start the party". I understand being a parent is hard, there are bad days, and days you might want to walk away. I am so thankful for the years that Matt and I have had, just us two! But we are ready. I have cried inside every time someone asks the question "so when are you guys having kids?" or pushed with a "you should probably get on that." It's not that Matt and I aren't ready. God isn't quite ready yet. He's not ready for our house to sell and he's not ready for us to start a family. I trust in His timing.

Despite my best attempts to handle everything that this season has brought my way and Matt & I's way, or hasn't brought our way, I have not always been able to do so. To be quite honest, I 've really struggled with it all. That's right I struggle. I read this quote yesterday that has become a new favorite of mine. The fact is that "I am simply a common woman sharing common problems seeking common solutions on a journey with an uncommon Savior." I struggle just like anyone else, and anyone who thinks I don't or shouldn't is simply off their rocker. In this season, I have struggled through all sorts of emotions, fears, and insecurities, anger, frustration, grief, and uncertainties. Things could always be worse (I'm not throwing a pity party here), but that doesn't take away from the difficulty or pain that that is present in what life sometimes brings your way. Pain is pain. There is no comparing my pain with your pain or saying her pain is greater than your pain so you shouldn't have pain. It's pain. It's difficult. And you've got to dig into it, to feel it, to understand it, to heal through it, or it will always be there. You don't always get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose your response. I admit I have not always chosen the best response to this season. I've at times chosen to dwell in the negative versus finding the positive (Please don't read any of this thinking there hasn't been anything good. There has been lots and lots of good during this season. This is just what I'm choosing to share today). I've at times let my emotions get out of control and spill over onto others. I've at times retreated in hurt instead of pushing through that hurt. But here's the deal. God has given me the strength to begin to choose the right response. He has given me the strength to pull myself off the floor, when I've fallen on my knees, desperate, sobbing I can't...

In the midst of this season, I know that God is at work to rescue me. He is at work to transform me into someone better, into the woman he wants me to be. I am so thankful for a Savior whose mercies are new each and every morning because I will never be the perfect "Pastor's Wife" (despite others expectations to be so), wife, woman, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, or friend. I will never be the perfect mom one day. I am so thankful for a Savior who reminds me time and time again that there is no such thing. I am so thankful for the ways in which God has provided for me, for Matt and I, and the way that he has worked and is still working transformational growth within me during this season: I can see it and feel it. I am so thankful for his personal provisions in my life, for the moments when he reaches in and gives me something just for me, just because he loves me. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. For a husand who isn't perfect either. For a husband that walks this journey, this season with me, as we grow together and God transforms us together. For a husband who shows me great unconditional love and patience through my rough times, who challenges me, and helps me grow through these times. He speaks the words I often don't want to hear, but know that I need to hear them. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He encourages me when no one else does. I am thankful for this tough season because it has brought us even closer together. We are stronger together because of it.

While it has been a season that I have passionately hated and have prayed for to end quickly, I know that God is using this season to produce the very fruit that I need the most. Our situation hasn't really changed, we're still in this season, we're still waiting, still in transition, but my perspective has shifted. I want to continue through this season with open hangs, choosing to trust that God's plan is so much better and to find joy throughout the journey. I have already learned so much! I can see where I've grown, and I can see where I still need to grow. And since this season isn't over yet, I know there is much more to be learned from it. So currently I am tearing through my reading list, pod-cast list, praying more, grasping at scripture, devouring anything and everything I can get my hands on that will help me work through "my stuff", that will continue to help me keep my perspective right, and that will help me keep growing and learning. The journey is good! God is good!

Giving Thanks to Trust

“Will you trust me?”

This has been God’s reoccurring question to me over the last couple months. Each day, “will you trust me?” Each week, “will you trust me?” Each month, “will you trust me?” I have found sometimes the quickness with which I answer yes to this question is intimately connected with my perspective, my focus. When life hits hard with a season full of trials and disappointments, sometimes it’s easy for me to stay focused on how nothing is going the way I want it to, it’s easy to wonder...what is God thinking. It’s easy for me to dwell with a negative perspective. It’s hard to trust that God’s plan is best. In order to keep my perspective positive, I have found that I need to choose to keep my mind focused, more so than usual, on what I have to be thankful for and the ways that God has continually provided for me. Intentionally digging deep and being observant to what’s happening in my life during the hard seasons. Not just on the surface. Sure I’m thankful for clothes, food, etc., but choosing to dig deep and look for God. I have learned during this season that God doesn’t just promise to provide, he LOVES to provide. He loves to reach down into our struggles and give us something just for us, just because. A sort of personalized provision. But if I choose not to look, if my perspective and focus isn’t right, it’s easy to miss his provision. Being focused and intentionally observant helps me see God’s personalized provisions in my life. It helps me choose to keep my heart thankful and overwhelmed with God’s love. Being thankful is a choice. Trusting is a choice. Choosing to be thankful helps me to readily choose to trust.

I also know that choosing to remember God’s previous personalized provisions, helps me to continue to choose to be thankful and to choose to trust in the future. So Tuesday’s are now my days to remember each week God’s provisions. Tuesdays are now my days to choose to remind myself to keeping choosing to be thankful and keep choosing to trust!

Tuesday Thanks:

• I am thankful for 2 books that have spoken intimately, exactly and specifically, and so profoundly into my life and current season and experiences. 2 books that have been connected in only a way God could’ve planned. 2 books that have helped me feel validated and not alone, encouraged, have helped me heal, and have taken me to a place of challenge, growth, and shift of perspective. (Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist and The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions)
• I am thankful for the Psalms. For a book full of language that I can relate and connect with. Language that I can pray in moments when I have no words. Language that I can point to, open my hands and heart and simple say God…
• I am thankful for a tough tough season that has brought an even deeper intimacy and connection with my husband. So thankful that we get to walk this journey together and grow together.
• I am thankful for diversity in people and personalities and tension in relationships because it helps me learn how to love- period.
• I am thankful for seasons of loneliness because I learn to let God be all I need.
• I am thankful for friends that God has brought to me, both new and old, in seasons of loneliness because he knows I need them....A new friend who always brings me coffee just because, who calls randomly just because to say hope you're having a great day, who always makes sure to ask How are you? followed up by really how are you?...An old friend becoming a closer friend, that gets up super early on Weds just to chat with me about life, struggles, what we're learning and growing, passions, desires, mistakes, who often speaks words from God to me, who supports me, who likes me for me...I am thankful for a new friend that despite her own struggles, saw and believed something in me, challenged me to take a next step and face fears and insecurities, and who has encouraged me as I took that next step back into something I love. An old friend who in catching up let me be completely real and honest about this season, who let me tell the story of this season-the hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, the discovery, joy, and growth. Who heard me share it finally, in safety, for the first time to someone other than Matt. Who understood I needed to be just me, who let me cry, who encouraged me, hugged me, and spoke truth into me.

Until next Tuesday....

Bittersweet Pieces

Anyone who likes to read has a favorite: a favorite book, or several books, a favorite author. There is something that sticks out about this favorite- something that draws you in, something that keeps you on the edge of your seat, something that has you holding your breath as you wait for what words are next, something that connects with you in a deep soul grabbing kind of way.

I love to read and Shauna Niequist is my absolute hands down favorite author of all time and her two books, Cold Tangerines and Bittersweet are my hands down two favorite books of all time. There is something about her writing that draws me in, keeps me on the edge of my seat, keeps me holding my breath not wanting to miss a word of what might be next, something that connects to the very real deep longing and yearnings of my soul. Her writing is absolutely beautiful, simplistically deep, and full of life and fresh breaths of air.

Here are a few Bittersweet pieces worth every moment of savoring, pondering, and breathing deep into the truth, joy, and heartache of your life. ENJOY...(buy the book!)

“Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth, and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, and earthy.”

“When life is sweet, say thank-you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank-you and grow.”

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

“Grace isn’t about netting out on the right side of things.

“Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.”

“When you stay with something instead of walking away, it builds something new inside you, something solid and weighty, something durable. But you do have to wait for it. You have to earn it the hard way.”

“I believe in mining through the darkest seasons in our lives and choosing to believe that we’ll find something important every time.”

“Prayer is at the heart of transformation.”

“When we pay attention and when we grow, we become freer, more flexible, more faithful, more able to ask for help. We become less fearful, more able, more comfortable with the idea of life as a beautiful mess.”

“When we, any of us who have been transformed by Christ, tell our own stories, we’re telling the story of who God is.”

“If you want your community to be marked by radical honesty, by risky, terrifying, ultimately redemptive truth-telling, you must start telling your truth first.”