My Land Between

Last night I finished a book about finding God in difficult transitions, in difficult seasons, in the spaces where you find yourself, against your will or plan, placed smack dab in the last place you want to be. The Land Between: a space between where you were and where you want to be, a space of waiting because God isn't taking you there yet. God prepared my heart for this book. He knew what I didn't, that I was smack dab in the middle of my own Land Between and needed to hear literally everything this book had to offer. But he knew I wasn't quite ready for it. So he gave me a book called "Bittersweet" to help me feel not alone & understood, encouraged, to help me begin to heal and open my hands. Then he gave me The Land Between to help me dig deep, to be challenged, to grow, and to shift my perspective. What I didn't know until later was that The Land Between was the book that helped the author of Bittersweet get to a place of healing so that she could even write bittersweet. God's hand working...

This season has been tough, really tough. Matt & I have coined this season our "Land Between", a season of waiting in the desert of God's plan. It's been a season filled with great excitement and anticipation, but also filled with great stress, disappointment, and anxiety. It's been a season of waiting and wondering together "how long God?" Over the last couple months & really longer than that, I hav etried to keep my head above water as multiple major life changes hit us all at once. Granted some of these changes were great and have been great, but still everything together all at once was a lot! And then some changes we were expecting didn't happen. We didn't sell our house, we still haven't. And we've been in this space of stuckness watching half of our lives move forward in excitement while the other half just sits. We're at a place of readiness and longingness to move forward. "How long God?" How long are we going to have to live with our parents? (I love them with all my heart and am so thankful for them and their graciousness, but 6 months and counting is a long time. Everyone involved should get a trophy!). God how long until we are able to start "our" family? To all those who have wondered...Matt and I are not at a place of not wanting kids. Our hearts are as ready as I think you'll ever be to have kids. We were ready a year ago and two weeks after making a decision to "start the party", I miscarried not even knowing I was pregnant when we made the decision to "start the party". I understand being a parent is hard, there are bad days, and days you might want to walk away. I am so thankful for the years that Matt and I have had, just us two! But we are ready. I have cried inside every time someone asks the question "so when are you guys having kids?" or pushed with a "you should probably get on that." It's not that Matt and I aren't ready. God isn't quite ready yet. He's not ready for our house to sell and he's not ready for us to start a family. I trust in His timing.

Despite my best attempts to handle everything that this season has brought my way and Matt & I's way, or hasn't brought our way, I have not always been able to do so. To be quite honest, I 've really struggled with it all. That's right I struggle. I read this quote yesterday that has become a new favorite of mine. The fact is that "I am simply a common woman sharing common problems seeking common solutions on a journey with an uncommon Savior." I struggle just like anyone else, and anyone who thinks I don't or shouldn't is simply off their rocker. In this season, I have struggled through all sorts of emotions, fears, and insecurities, anger, frustration, grief, and uncertainties. Things could always be worse (I'm not throwing a pity party here), but that doesn't take away from the difficulty or pain that that is present in what life sometimes brings your way. Pain is pain. There is no comparing my pain with your pain or saying her pain is greater than your pain so you shouldn't have pain. It's pain. It's difficult. And you've got to dig into it, to feel it, to understand it, to heal through it, or it will always be there. You don't always get to choose what happens to you, but you do get to choose your response. I admit I have not always chosen the best response to this season. I've at times chosen to dwell in the negative versus finding the positive (Please don't read any of this thinking there hasn't been anything good. There has been lots and lots of good during this season. This is just what I'm choosing to share today). I've at times let my emotions get out of control and spill over onto others. I've at times retreated in hurt instead of pushing through that hurt. But here's the deal. God has given me the strength to begin to choose the right response. He has given me the strength to pull myself off the floor, when I've fallen on my knees, desperate, sobbing I can't...

In the midst of this season, I know that God is at work to rescue me. He is at work to transform me into someone better, into the woman he wants me to be. I am so thankful for a Savior whose mercies are new each and every morning because I will never be the perfect "Pastor's Wife" (despite others expectations to be so), wife, woman, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, or friend. I will never be the perfect mom one day. I am so thankful for a Savior who reminds me time and time again that there is no such thing. I am so thankful for the ways in which God has provided for me, for Matt and I, and the way that he has worked and is still working transformational growth within me during this season: I can see it and feel it. I am so thankful for his personal provisions in my life, for the moments when he reaches in and gives me something just for me, just because he loves me. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. For a husand who isn't perfect either. For a husband that walks this journey, this season with me, as we grow together and God transforms us together. For a husband who shows me great unconditional love and patience through my rough times, who challenges me, and helps me grow through these times. He speaks the words I often don't want to hear, but know that I need to hear them. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He encourages me when no one else does. I am thankful for this tough season because it has brought us even closer together. We are stronger together because of it.

While it has been a season that I have passionately hated and have prayed for to end quickly, I know that God is using this season to produce the very fruit that I need the most. Our situation hasn't really changed, we're still in this season, we're still waiting, still in transition, but my perspective has shifted. I want to continue through this season with open hangs, choosing to trust that God's plan is so much better and to find joy throughout the journey. I have already learned so much! I can see where I've grown, and I can see where I still need to grow. And since this season isn't over yet, I know there is much more to be learned from it. So currently I am tearing through my reading list, pod-cast list, praying more, grasping at scripture, devouring anything and everything I can get my hands on that will help me work through "my stuff", that will continue to help me keep my perspective right, and that will help me keep growing and learning. The journey is good! God is good!