R-A-C It Up!!

 I read this quote the other day...

"He who neglects the past is doomed to repeat it. When we don't sit back in an armchair with a cup of coffee after a failure (no matter what kind) and ask ourselves "why?" we're likely to end up in the same place again." 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to always have to visit some of the places I've been again, or make the same mistake or failure. I want to be someone who is always growing and learning. I want learn a lot from other people, those much wiser and experienced then I.  I am keenly aware (probably more then anything else) that I don't know all there is to know about everything.  But I also want to learn from myself. I want to be someone who learns from my mistakes. Someone who learns from my failures. I know there's a lot to learn, because boy do I seem to always mess up. The tragedy is not that one makes mistakes or fails, but that one never learns from their mistakes or failures. Self-Relfection is KEY!


In self-reflection, I ask myself lots of questions (I shared in an earlier post some of these questions). But one in particular that I routinely ask myself is “Am I managing my emotions or are my emotions managing me?” I’ll be honest even though I ask this question a lot, and believe me I do not exaggerate when I say A LOT, I am not great at managing my emotions. This "check-in with me" question often results in an “oh crap” moment and I realize I’m not managing my emotions, my vision has been clouded, and instead of dealing with my emotions proactively I find that I'm reacting much like the ball shot in a pinball machine. I often wear my emotions on my sleeve. It’s not something I intentionally do, in fact I absolutely loathe this weakness of mine! My husband does a great job at keeping me accountable in this area! I choose to work hard at trying to maintain awareness of my facial expressions and not allowing my emotions, as intense as they might be in a moment (good or bad), to overflow because of the impact on those around me. Honestly in the past I have left this weakness unchecked and caused hurt to those I care about and left unchecked will do so in the future. Many of those moments I would take back in a heartbeat if I could, because they’re not something I’m proud of. I have learned that how you respond to how you feel about any given situation always affects those around you, whether you want it to or not, whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it involves those around you or not. When you allow your emotions to manage you and overflow onto others, you are involving them. Intense positive emotions and intense negative emotions can both have the same negative effect on someone around you if not managed. There is always a ripple affect. For me it’s a struggle. And the struggle exists in maintaining a safe, healthy, truly authentic balance of my emotions. 

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion, that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.” 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Here is a little something I practice that helps me TRY to manage my negative emotions.  

R-A-C IT UP!

RECOGNIZE

ACCEPT

CHOOSE

RECOGNIZE-Stop and recognize my emotions. I try to be aware of surface emotions versus underlying emotions. For example, underneath all feelings of anger lies fear. I try to get specific. Recognize not just what I'm feeling, but why. What is at the root of my emotion? This helps get me to the underlying emotion. I've got to crack the surface emotion to understand how to manage. I try to recognize the intensity of my emotion. For example, anger can move from dismayed, to exasperated, to rage. If I feel angry, why? Am I angry because I'm afraid of something? How angry am I? I cannot manage my emotions and grow if I don't take the time to recognize what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, and to what extent.


ACCEPT-Stop and accept my emotion. Emotions good or bad, are ok. What I feel is always valid. My feelings can sometimes be based around misperceptions which is why I try to first recognize why I'm feeling that way and if I'm missing factual information get it. Sometimes I need help from someone safe to understand the misperceptions I might be having. But even with misperceptions the feeling is still valid. To manage an emotion, you have to feel it. I've learned if I repress it or ignore the emotion it will always pop up later and it's usually not pretty. To manage an emotion and grow I've got to accept that it's ok to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. 


CHOOSE-Stop and choose how I will respond in light of what I understand about my emotion. Notice I didn't say I choose my response because of the emotion (reacting). I've found choosing how to respond based on reaction always turns out bad. I choose my response based on what I understand about my emotion from the above (proactive). To say proactive sounds a little off because its after feeling the emotion, but choosing my response based on understanding my emotion will always help work through the emotion quicker in the future, hince the proactive. The choice is always mine on how I will manage how I feel. Will it be in a healthy way for myself and those around me or not? Will I lash out when I'm angry or communicate appropriately how I feel? Will I dwell on negative emotions too long or will I recognize them, accept them and deal with them, and then move on? Will I choose to accept that I sometimes have misperceptions and sometimes I might need more info or do I choose to make my misperception reality? Will I grow or not grow? 

“The emotions aren’t always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” 

William James 

Written out these steps sound very detailed and could seem like it would take too long to actually help manage my emotions in the moment. BUT here's what I do. Save the broken down details for personal self-reflection moments, when you're alone or with someone safe. In the moment, remember R-A-C IT UP! Recognize it, accept it, choose in the moment the right response/action, and check it for self-reflection time. 

R-A-C It Up Friends!!