Heartache and Celebration

October Twenty First. 


Today a little piece of my heart holds a tiny, small, dull ache. A year ago today I had a miscarriage. I remember everything about that day; where I was, what I was doing, who I had conversations with, and what those conversations were about. It was totally unexpected. That day I lost what I didn’t know I had, what my husband and I had, what I didn’t realize I wanted enough to hurt over losing. But my heart hurt! And I cried. But I healed and the huge ache that first felt raw and sharp has now shrunk to the tiny, small, dull ache. I am now thankful for many things about that day. I am thankful for my nurse who removed guilt by speaking just the right words, “this was not your fault.” I am thankful that in not knowing my heart was not given the chance to attach; there was no name given, no due dates set (only one date to feel the heartache). I am thankful in a weird way for what I do not have because I’m not sure how it would’ve all worked during this last season of our lives. I am thankful that…

“The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

Romans 8:26-28 

Today I pause for a second to remember the heartache of loss.

BUT

Today I also pause in celebration of life. 

God has a way of showing up in life in extraordinary ways. The same week that I experienced my heartache and loss, one of my dearest friends experienced the joy and celebration of having her first child, a beautiful little girl. I remember the conversation I had with my friend that day. I remember I was feeling anxious about what was unconfirmed and having a sinking gut feeling that I knew I had miscarried. At the same time, I was so incredibly excited for my friend. I had journeyed this pregnancy with her in a way and I was on the edge of my seat with the anticipation of getting to see this little girl we had been talking about and praying about for 9 months! I held my friends little girl the day after my doctor confirmed I had miscarried. Beautiful dark hair and dark eyes, a tiny little thing, she was gorgeous! She will always hold a special place in my heart. (Another good friend of mine just had her first child, a beautiful little girl the beginning of this week)

Through the birth of my friends children in this particular week God has given me a gift. He has given me the chance to celebrate life, newness, and excitement in a week that may have always symbolized loss, pain, and grief. This gift of celebration in the midst of heartache is one I will always treasure. 

R-A-C It Up!!

 I read this quote the other day...

"He who neglects the past is doomed to repeat it. When we don't sit back in an armchair with a cup of coffee after a failure (no matter what kind) and ask ourselves "why?" we're likely to end up in the same place again." 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to always have to visit some of the places I've been again, or make the same mistake or failure. I want to be someone who is always growing and learning. I want learn a lot from other people, those much wiser and experienced then I.  I am keenly aware (probably more then anything else) that I don't know all there is to know about everything.  But I also want to learn from myself. I want to be someone who learns from my mistakes. Someone who learns from my failures. I know there's a lot to learn, because boy do I seem to always mess up. The tragedy is not that one makes mistakes or fails, but that one never learns from their mistakes or failures. Self-Relfection is KEY!


In self-reflection, I ask myself lots of questions (I shared in an earlier post some of these questions). But one in particular that I routinely ask myself is “Am I managing my emotions or are my emotions managing me?” I’ll be honest even though I ask this question a lot, and believe me I do not exaggerate when I say A LOT, I am not great at managing my emotions. This "check-in with me" question often results in an “oh crap” moment and I realize I’m not managing my emotions, my vision has been clouded, and instead of dealing with my emotions proactively I find that I'm reacting much like the ball shot in a pinball machine. I often wear my emotions on my sleeve. It’s not something I intentionally do, in fact I absolutely loathe this weakness of mine! My husband does a great job at keeping me accountable in this area! I choose to work hard at trying to maintain awareness of my facial expressions and not allowing my emotions, as intense as they might be in a moment (good or bad), to overflow because of the impact on those around me. Honestly in the past I have left this weakness unchecked and caused hurt to those I care about and left unchecked will do so in the future. Many of those moments I would take back in a heartbeat if I could, because they’re not something I’m proud of. I have learned that how you respond to how you feel about any given situation always affects those around you, whether you want it to or not, whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it involves those around you or not. When you allow your emotions to manage you and overflow onto others, you are involving them. Intense positive emotions and intense negative emotions can both have the same negative effect on someone around you if not managed. There is always a ripple affect. For me it’s a struggle. And the struggle exists in maintaining a safe, healthy, truly authentic balance of my emotions. 

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion, that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.” 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Here is a little something I practice that helps me TRY to manage my negative emotions.  

R-A-C IT UP!

RECOGNIZE

ACCEPT

CHOOSE

RECOGNIZE-Stop and recognize my emotions. I try to be aware of surface emotions versus underlying emotions. For example, underneath all feelings of anger lies fear. I try to get specific. Recognize not just what I'm feeling, but why. What is at the root of my emotion? This helps get me to the underlying emotion. I've got to crack the surface emotion to understand how to manage. I try to recognize the intensity of my emotion. For example, anger can move from dismayed, to exasperated, to rage. If I feel angry, why? Am I angry because I'm afraid of something? How angry am I? I cannot manage my emotions and grow if I don't take the time to recognize what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, and to what extent.


ACCEPT-Stop and accept my emotion. Emotions good or bad, are ok. What I feel is always valid. My feelings can sometimes be based around misperceptions which is why I try to first recognize why I'm feeling that way and if I'm missing factual information get it. Sometimes I need help from someone safe to understand the misperceptions I might be having. But even with misperceptions the feeling is still valid. To manage an emotion, you have to feel it. I've learned if I repress it or ignore the emotion it will always pop up later and it's usually not pretty. To manage an emotion and grow I've got to accept that it's ok to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. 


CHOOSE-Stop and choose how I will respond in light of what I understand about my emotion. Notice I didn't say I choose my response because of the emotion (reacting). I've found choosing how to respond based on reaction always turns out bad. I choose my response based on what I understand about my emotion from the above (proactive). To say proactive sounds a little off because its after feeling the emotion, but choosing my response based on understanding my emotion will always help work through the emotion quicker in the future, hince the proactive. The choice is always mine on how I will manage how I feel. Will it be in a healthy way for myself and those around me or not? Will I lash out when I'm angry or communicate appropriately how I feel? Will I dwell on negative emotions too long or will I recognize them, accept them and deal with them, and then move on? Will I choose to accept that I sometimes have misperceptions and sometimes I might need more info or do I choose to make my misperception reality? Will I grow or not grow? 

“The emotions aren’t always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” 

William James 

Written out these steps sound very detailed and could seem like it would take too long to actually help manage my emotions in the moment. BUT here's what I do. Save the broken down details for personal self-reflection moments, when you're alone or with someone safe. In the moment, remember R-A-C IT UP! Recognize it, accept it, choose in the moment the right response/action, and check it for self-reflection time. 

R-A-C It Up Friends!! 

Tuesday Thanks on Wednesday

Black and white here it is. This week I haven’t really felt like being thankful or having a positive attitude. I’ve been grumpy. Shave the beard, add a little height, and a pair of heels and I’ve been the little grumpy dwarf from Snow White standing with his arms crossed. I’ve felt like stomping my foot, balling up my fists, and holding on to my frustrations, hurt feelings, and a little anger. To say anything else would be lying and pretending. I've needed a change in attitude. Yesterday was a day when even though I didn’t want to, I should have made myself sit down and write this list of thanks. It probably would’ve done wonders to help change my attitude. But I didn’t. I thought about it but didn’t. Last night I needed to take deep breathes, forgive, and let go. I needed to let go of how my expectations, needs, and wants that weren’t being met. But I didn’t. So don’t worry, I got my attitude check alright. Last night God checked me and it felt very much like getting the wind got knocked out of me. My week and I got started off on completely the wrong foot, but this morning I feel like we’re on the up and up and headed in the right direction. This list may or may not be shorter than usual, but I promise you it has been written with a spirit of gratefulness, humility, and with the right attitude this morning.


I’m thankful for:


*My friend who lets me be completely honest and vent when I’m feeling frustrated. She reminds me its ok and I’m not alone. But what I’m most thankful for about this friend is she always follows listening with encouraging me, building me up, and then speaking wise words that I need to hear. Today I’m thankful that she reminds me to drop it and let it go.


*My Bruiser who always seems to know when Mama needs a little bit of extra loving. He cuddles up with his fat rolls and looks up with his sad little eyes and seems to say “I love you.” Melts my heart every time.


*The tough days in marriage. The tough days remind me that marriage is HARD work, because two imperfect people married each other. I am reminded that the hardest work HAS to start with me and in me. The tough days remind me of my imperfections and my great responsibility to forgive and let go, to be full of grace, and to focus on my responsibilities to my husband instead of my rights. The tough days make me grow and open my eyes to my tendency to get incredibly lazy and selfish! Nothing shows me quicker how well or not well I’m doing at living out my faith then my marriage in the tough days. The tough days bring me to my knees, they hurt, and often bring rivers of tears, but they also bring life. I am so thankful for a marriage centered in Christ, and for a husband who I know loves me: through our tough days, despite our tough days, he is committed to me, and to our growth individually and together beyond the tough days. I am thankful for the journey of marriage. It is sometimes hard and painful, but it is beautiful and worth every moment.


*Early Wednesday morning conversations over coffee: blessed, beautiful, thought inspiring, life breathing, humorous, fresh, raw conversations.

Asking Questions

I believe that the ability to ask good questions is a form of art. There is something about a good question that digs through the surface and reaches down into an issue or someone and pulls the heart, the guts of the matter into the light. Good questions start a journey that often leads to more questions and not always answers. But I believe discovery in the journey comes not always in the answer, but in allowing the process of questions. It takes time and thought, wisdom and discernment to not just ask a question, but a good question and many questions often lie before the one that hits the heart. Good questions bring focus. I have found that when I stop asking questions, I stop learning and growing because the questions are what keep me focused, the questions are what keep me aware. The seasons of life where I feel like I've grown the most are the seasons in which I am purposefully asking and continually asking myself and others questions. Sometimes there are questions that need to be re-asked and re-asked. I admire those that have the gift of asking good questions, because I do not consider myself one of those people. Often I find myself in situations muttering to myself, "I should totally have a question for this". But I also believe that the art of asking good questions is not an art of "I have it or I don't", like being able to paint or draw (neither of which I can do). I believe the art of asking good questions is an art that one grows into out of practice. And so, these days I am asking lots of questions, expecting to find more questions, and hoping to ask better questions.

Questions I've been asking myself:

*What am I passionate about? What makes me come alive? Am I doing this?
*What do I I want my life to be about?
*Where do I see God working in my life? Am I spending enough time looking for God? Am I spending enough time with God?
*In what ways am I growing? Does my life and my actions reflect this growth? In what ways do I need to grow more? Am I actively doing the things that will help me grow in these areas?
*Am I living in security? Where am I feeling insecure and what is the root of this insecurity?
*Is there anything I am currently afraid of and why?
*What am I learning?
*Is there anything I am holding onto that I need to let go of?
*Is there anyone I need to forgive today? Is there anyone I need to ask to forgive me?
*Is the posture of my heart one of humility of pride?
*Am I living grace?
*Am I allowing God to love me? Am I choosing to love Others, or just those who are easy for me to love?
*Am I surrounding myself with the right people-the right voices?
*Do I listen to those who speak truth into my life, even when I don't want to hear it?
*Am I being a safe person?
*Am I in control of my emotions or letting my emotions control me?
*What do I want my focus to be and is it there?
*How am I doing with: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentlesness, faithfulness, and self-control?

Tuesday Thanks

With the craziness of last week I managed to forget to post my "Tuesday Thanks", so this could get long. I've definitely noticed that the more I focus my thoughts around what I am thankful for, the more thankful I am for the things that I have and the more I notice things I'm thankful for. I have been blessed with so much and in so many ways!


^"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2: 6-7


"Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 106:1


Here is what has stood out to me this week: I am thankful for...


* Our new one bedroom apartment! It's cozy and homey, it's ours, it's perfect for us, and it's so much more than what many have.


*Those that take time to help others. I am so thankful for everyone who helped us move. It made everything about moving so much easier, so much faster, and less stressful!


*A short 15 minute drive to work because it allows me to sleep longer and I have noticed a tremendous difference in how rested my body feels with an extra hour of sleep everyday.


*Good jobs that allow Matt and I the ability to be able to afford (while not ideal or a first option) to pay for both our house and apartment, to be able to make this move forward for our family!


*My new corner. I simply love it! I love what has already taken place in this corner. I cannot wait to see what happens in the future: what is read, dots that are connected, conversations that are had, and words that are written. God is going to do big things, in my heart, in this corner.


*All the ways that God is working in my life. I see His hand everywhere and I am learning SO much! (post to come on what I'm learning) I am so thankful for these lessons because I know God is continually refining my rough edges, molding and shaping me into something beautiful...someone more like Him.


"Come near to God and He will come near to you." -James 4:8


"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."- Jeremiah 29:12-13


*Moleskins. Perfect little notepads that are just the right thickness and weight to literally carry everywhere I go. I use them to jot down my thoughts, what I'm hearing, and what I'm learning.


*CitySpring Church! I am thankful for being able to see God's vision come alive at CitySpring. I am thankful for church full of people striving to follow God, striving to be outward focused, and striving change their community. I am thankful for a church with a staff who pours themselves out tiressly in volunteering for this vision of CitySpring. I am so thankful for their passion, dedication, hard work, gift, and talents that make the CitySpring wheel go round! God is making it happen through them and I couldn't be more proud of them!!!!


*Having the chance to get to know new people.


*People's stories. I love hearing people's stories, whether big or small, new or old because it's their story and there is something so powerful about just that. I always learn something! I am so thankful for those who are brave enough and real enough to share their stories, big or small, new or old, good or bad, full of joy or full of trial because someone will always relate even if it's just one. (more on this later)


*Music and songs and the way that my heart always feels connected to God through their music and words.


What are you thankful for?

Turning Pages: New Steps, New Growth, & New Memories

Tonight I am stopping to reflect and let my thoughts catch up to my life. Right now I am savoring this moment because I have been looking forward to this moment all week. I am sitting in my new favorite place, my corner. It's nothing more then the left side of our little couch next to the end table, but there's something about this spot that's mine. The minute I arranged it I knew: this would be a spot where many good conservations would be had over coffee, many good books would be read, this would be my spot for digging into God's word before anyone else is awake, and this would be my spot for bringing life to my thoughts. 

My corner feels perfect for reflection. It's been a big week for our family. Last weekend was "Move Weekend" for the Gaylors. For those of you who don't know, since we've started this new journey we've been in transition. Waiting for a house to sell or at least get a renter and for the last 7 months we've been living with Matt's parents. Our little house still hasn't sold and there's no renter yet, but we decided to take a step forward. We needed some movement in this season. So last weekend we finally moved. We packed up everything in our little 3 bedroom house, everything from Matt's parent's, and moved into a little one bedroom apartment. I can honestly say I've never been so excited to live in something so small, and have found that it's actually quite perfect for us. It was a crazy exhausting weekend, filled with late nights, early mornings, long drives, boxes, trash bags, and no naps. But it was a weekend full of new steps and new life. 

Matt and I have learned so much during this transition. We have learned what it means to fully and completely trust in God's plan for our lives, even when it looks different than what we thought it would and when we don't fully understand it. We have learned what it means to be content with where God has us and what He has given us. We have learned what it means to look for God's work in our lives during what feels like a dry desert season. We have learned a new kind of patience. We have learned so much about marriage and what it means to work through tough seasons together, to grow stronger together, to encourage each other, and how to keep "us" a safe harbor in a swirling storm.  We are better as a result of this season. Not simply because of this season, but because we chose to let God do His work in us, and chose to believe that God was still in control during this season. 

I had a a few moments to pause before we left our house up north. I was surprised to find myself at the brink of tears. Not because of what we were leaving, God totally has us exactly where our hearts will thrive and come alive, and I personally thank God everyday that we now live in what we call civilization.  The tears came because of the memories of what we had experienced together there in that little house, our first house. Many firsts were experienced in that house. I let the memories flood in and allowed myself to grieve for a moment, but as I walked out and locked the door those old memories were replaced by a flood of excitement about the new moments that we would be making. 

My corner feels perfect for anticipating what's to come. Move Weekend for us symbolized a turning of the page. We are still in the chapter of transition, but we're one page closer, one step closer to the end. I can't wait to see what the next pages have in store.

Healing Insecurity

Insecurity is simply no fun. It often tags along unwanted and many times unnoticed. I have struggled with it, more during some seasons than others. I know I'm not the only one with insecurities. We ALL have them, men and women, some are plagued by insecurity more then others. I am learning to be aware of my insecurities, to recognize insecurity when it appears, to address it, to dig into it, to refuse it, to allow God to heal my heart and mind through it, and to find true security in God alone. It's not easy, it's tough work, but it's worth every moment. If you struggle with insecurity I challenge you to open yourself to God, in blunt honesty, and allow Him to change you.

Dear God,

I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restoration. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble-even torment-it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it’s made a fool of me. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do by myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how I am made and who I am meant to be. You know the way I’m formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Deliver me. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don’t need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don’t have to fake feelings I don’t posses or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. You know me better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought and every disappointment. You know every ugly or stupid thing I’ve ever said or done out of insecurity. You see into my soul, and You look beyond my failures to the depth of my need. Reveal Yourself to me. Give me insight into patterns I’ve developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make me wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in Your light. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You’re willing to heal. You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can’t even figure myself out. Help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that at times I’ve created my own misery. As I confess, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other.

Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing Your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousies that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so focused on what I don’t have that I leave the gifts You’ve given me untouched and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking so little of the person You’ve made me. Forgive me for despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me for every time I’ve sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior. Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won’t be great. Forgive me for self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Convict me until I’m instantly aware when insecurity is my own fault. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.Pull up the causes of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and bring healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand. Empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up continuing the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me. Be my gain. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness. Don’t stop until You’ve made a miracle of me. Help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when my life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing reveals my false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to bring what needs changing in me and to increase my appreciation for the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

You entrusted to me my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition. You knew what You were doing when you formed me in my mother’s womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself known in me. Please deliver me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. Help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. Remind me that I am capable of great transformation with You. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to stop being to easily wounded, but at the same time, keep my heart from becoming hard. Help me to realize that it’s pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be forced. I cannot put any human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me. In the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. There have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. I thank you for them.

I thank you for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead of me. Please restore all that insecurity has stolen from me. Turn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quiet what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman. Make me into the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I receive everything that I have requested in You this day. Let this seep into every corner of my life and invade my entire belief system. I take my dignity back. No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I’ve lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You!

In Jesus Name....