Relentless Pursuit

“Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal that will enable you to attain the success you seek.”

Mario Andretti

I’m finding an ugly pattern in my life. I want to be someone who is always learning and growing, so one thing try to be diligent at is setting goals, short-term and long term in my life. I always start out extremely motivated about these goals. But what I’m finding is somewhere, somehow during the pursuit of my goals (not all but some) I inevitably run out of steam. Perfect example. I desire to be a runner, not just a casual “I can run a mile” runner, definitely not the hard core “I can run 13 miles in 1 hour” runner either, but a runner. At some point in my life I have the desire to run a full marathon. Call me crazy, but it’s a HUGE life goal of mine. I thoroughly enjoy running-when I stick with it. I love the challenge, the stress release, the energy it gives me. I love being able to zone out, breathe in fresh air, watch beautiful country sunsets in the early evening…Next weekend I’m running my second mini-marathon. To be honest, I’m nervous, a little sick to my stomach actually. Somewhere around Mid-August I ran out of stream with training. My husband likes to give me a hard time for it. I could rattle off a ton of excuses; it got super hot, it was very time-consuming, I was training alone… Bottom line-I was not relentless in my training commitment. My pattern reared its ugly little head; even though I had a tremendous desire and motivation to reach my goal I lost focus. I lost steam in the day to day, week after week, month after month, journey. I forgot about what it takes to reach the end result. I got discouraged. I WILL complete the race next weekend, but it will undoubtedly be painful and nowhere near as enjoyable or as fulfilling as it could’ve been had I trained harder and longer. I definitely will not run it as fast I as could have.

I see this same pattern in my spiritual journey sometimes. My greatest desire, a deep soul burning desire, is to know God. Not a knowing that understands all there is to understand, or has the answers to every question, because that’s not possible. But I want to be intimately connected with Him. More than anything else in my life, I want my life to reflect Him, to overflow with Him, to point to Him. I want to be firmly secure in an understanding of who I am in Him. If I do nothing else with my life, that is what I want to be remembered for; a woman who walked closely with God. There are so many times when I have the desire to know God, but I seem to run out of steam or drop off in my determination to daily seek Him. I’m sure you can relate. Yes, this Pastor’s Wife has moments when I realize I haven’t prayed much recently or find myself trying to remember the last time I read my Bible. I even have times when I have the desire to pray or spend time with God, but I seem at a loss of what to say or what to do, digging for energy yet finding none. My focus gets off track so easily. I lose focus of seeking to truly know God and instead spend time focused on learning more information. I’m starting to recognize that when I run out of steam in my spiritual journey, it is because I’ve been focusing on the wrong thing …information vs. relationship, checking a to do list vs. relationship, fulfilling a role vs. relationship, etc. To know God is a constant journey. I lose steam because much like running I get lost in the day to day, week after week, month after month, year after year, journey. A journey in which I must put in the work on the good and bad days, the exciting and boring days, the painful and carefree days, the days when I want to and the days when I don’t. I could rattle off endless excuses. I get tired, I get lazy… Bottom line-I’m not always relentless in my commitment to training on my spiritual journey. Unlike running a race, there is not an end to this training. As long as I’m here I’m in training.

To know God, to build that intimate relationship, I have to move past simply the desire to know Him and move into a determination and commitment to pursuing Him. I must be relentless in my pursuit of Him.

Relentless:
showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace.

This last week I was reminded and challenged by my hubby to make sure I check my heart. God sees through everything on the surface. He sees straight through to my heart. God knows when I’m going through the motions, when I’m losing steam, when I’m getting off track. More often than not, I know it to. The question is in those moments will I choose to get back on track and truly relentlessly seek God above all else? I never want to “fake it”. This week I’m focusing on regaining focus. I’m letting many good things go (like books, podcasts, articles, music even) and focusing on simply, humbly, intentionally, relentlessly drawing near to God.

“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.”

The Message, Jeremiah 29:13-14

Tuesday Thanks

I am thankful…

That my security is in Christ; not a job, not things, not looks, not relationships, or anything else.

That I have good health.

For the opportunity to learn.

For my husband Matthew. For specifically: his leadership and wisdom, his servant’s heart, his passion to teach, his love for others, his ability to communicate well, and his commitment to a vision God has given him. I learn so much from him and am constantly challenged and inspired through how he models life lived in Christ. So blessed to have him by my side!

All of us are lacking in certain areas of life where we have not received the modeling we needed. I am thankful for those in my life (specifically a few individuals) who have modeled for me healthy relationships, marriage, parenting, family, etc. This has been HUGE for me in so many ways! 

For Thursday nights and good weekends!

For the ways I see God working in my friends’ lives. It is so exciting and so encouraging to watch!

5:00pm

Heartache and Celebration

October Twenty First. 


Today a little piece of my heart holds a tiny, small, dull ache. A year ago today I had a miscarriage. I remember everything about that day; where I was, what I was doing, who I had conversations with, and what those conversations were about. It was totally unexpected. That day I lost what I didn’t know I had, what my husband and I had, what I didn’t realize I wanted enough to hurt over losing. But my heart hurt! And I cried. But I healed and the huge ache that first felt raw and sharp has now shrunk to the tiny, small, dull ache. I am now thankful for many things about that day. I am thankful for my nurse who removed guilt by speaking just the right words, “this was not your fault.” I am thankful that in not knowing my heart was not given the chance to attach; there was no name given, no due dates set (only one date to feel the heartache). I am thankful in a weird way for what I do not have because I’m not sure how it would’ve all worked during this last season of our lives. I am thankful that…

“The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” 

Romans 8:26-28 

Today I pause for a second to remember the heartache of loss.

BUT

Today I also pause in celebration of life. 

God has a way of showing up in life in extraordinary ways. The same week that I experienced my heartache and loss, one of my dearest friends experienced the joy and celebration of having her first child, a beautiful little girl. I remember the conversation I had with my friend that day. I remember I was feeling anxious about what was unconfirmed and having a sinking gut feeling that I knew I had miscarried. At the same time, I was so incredibly excited for my friend. I had journeyed this pregnancy with her in a way and I was on the edge of my seat with the anticipation of getting to see this little girl we had been talking about and praying about for 9 months! I held my friends little girl the day after my doctor confirmed I had miscarried. Beautiful dark hair and dark eyes, a tiny little thing, she was gorgeous! She will always hold a special place in my heart. (Another good friend of mine just had her first child, a beautiful little girl the beginning of this week)

Through the birth of my friends children in this particular week God has given me a gift. He has given me the chance to celebrate life, newness, and excitement in a week that may have always symbolized loss, pain, and grief. This gift of celebration in the midst of heartache is one I will always treasure. 

R-A-C It Up!!

 I read this quote the other day...

"He who neglects the past is doomed to repeat it. When we don't sit back in an armchair with a cup of coffee after a failure (no matter what kind) and ask ourselves "why?" we're likely to end up in the same place again." 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to always have to visit some of the places I've been again, or make the same mistake or failure. I want to be someone who is always growing and learning. I want learn a lot from other people, those much wiser and experienced then I.  I am keenly aware (probably more then anything else) that I don't know all there is to know about everything.  But I also want to learn from myself. I want to be someone who learns from my mistakes. Someone who learns from my failures. I know there's a lot to learn, because boy do I seem to always mess up. The tragedy is not that one makes mistakes or fails, but that one never learns from their mistakes or failures. Self-Relfection is KEY!


In self-reflection, I ask myself lots of questions (I shared in an earlier post some of these questions). But one in particular that I routinely ask myself is “Am I managing my emotions or are my emotions managing me?” I’ll be honest even though I ask this question a lot, and believe me I do not exaggerate when I say A LOT, I am not great at managing my emotions. This "check-in with me" question often results in an “oh crap” moment and I realize I’m not managing my emotions, my vision has been clouded, and instead of dealing with my emotions proactively I find that I'm reacting much like the ball shot in a pinball machine. I often wear my emotions on my sleeve. It’s not something I intentionally do, in fact I absolutely loathe this weakness of mine! My husband does a great job at keeping me accountable in this area! I choose to work hard at trying to maintain awareness of my facial expressions and not allowing my emotions, as intense as they might be in a moment (good or bad), to overflow because of the impact on those around me. Honestly in the past I have left this weakness unchecked and caused hurt to those I care about and left unchecked will do so in the future. Many of those moments I would take back in a heartbeat if I could, because they’re not something I’m proud of. I have learned that how you respond to how you feel about any given situation always affects those around you, whether you want it to or not, whether it’s intentional or not, and whether it involves those around you or not. When you allow your emotions to manage you and overflow onto others, you are involving them. Intense positive emotions and intense negative emotions can both have the same negative effect on someone around you if not managed. There is always a ripple affect. For me it’s a struggle. And the struggle exists in maintaining a safe, healthy, truly authentic balance of my emotions. 

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion, that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together.” 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Here is a little something I practice that helps me TRY to manage my negative emotions.  

R-A-C IT UP!

RECOGNIZE

ACCEPT

CHOOSE

RECOGNIZE-Stop and recognize my emotions. I try to be aware of surface emotions versus underlying emotions. For example, underneath all feelings of anger lies fear. I try to get specific. Recognize not just what I'm feeling, but why. What is at the root of my emotion? This helps get me to the underlying emotion. I've got to crack the surface emotion to understand how to manage. I try to recognize the intensity of my emotion. For example, anger can move from dismayed, to exasperated, to rage. If I feel angry, why? Am I angry because I'm afraid of something? How angry am I? I cannot manage my emotions and grow if I don't take the time to recognize what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, and to what extent.


ACCEPT-Stop and accept my emotion. Emotions good or bad, are ok. What I feel is always valid. My feelings can sometimes be based around misperceptions which is why I try to first recognize why I'm feeling that way and if I'm missing factual information get it. Sometimes I need help from someone safe to understand the misperceptions I might be having. But even with misperceptions the feeling is still valid. To manage an emotion, you have to feel it. I've learned if I repress it or ignore the emotion it will always pop up later and it's usually not pretty. To manage an emotion and grow I've got to accept that it's ok to feel whatever it is I'm feeling. 


CHOOSE-Stop and choose how I will respond in light of what I understand about my emotion. Notice I didn't say I choose my response because of the emotion (reacting). I've found choosing how to respond based on reaction always turns out bad. I choose my response based on what I understand about my emotion from the above (proactive). To say proactive sounds a little off because its after feeling the emotion, but choosing my response based on understanding my emotion will always help work through the emotion quicker in the future, hince the proactive. The choice is always mine on how I will manage how I feel. Will it be in a healthy way for myself and those around me or not? Will I lash out when I'm angry or communicate appropriately how I feel? Will I dwell on negative emotions too long or will I recognize them, accept them and deal with them, and then move on? Will I choose to accept that I sometimes have misperceptions and sometimes I might need more info or do I choose to make my misperception reality? Will I grow or not grow? 

“The emotions aren’t always immediately subject to reason, but they are always immediately subject to action.” 

William James 

Written out these steps sound very detailed and could seem like it would take too long to actually help manage my emotions in the moment. BUT here's what I do. Save the broken down details for personal self-reflection moments, when you're alone or with someone safe. In the moment, remember R-A-C IT UP! Recognize it, accept it, choose in the moment the right response/action, and check it for self-reflection time. 

R-A-C It Up Friends!! 

Tuesday Thanks on Wednesday

Black and white here it is. This week I haven’t really felt like being thankful or having a positive attitude. I’ve been grumpy. Shave the beard, add a little height, and a pair of heels and I’ve been the little grumpy dwarf from Snow White standing with his arms crossed. I’ve felt like stomping my foot, balling up my fists, and holding on to my frustrations, hurt feelings, and a little anger. To say anything else would be lying and pretending. I've needed a change in attitude. Yesterday was a day when even though I didn’t want to, I should have made myself sit down and write this list of thanks. It probably would’ve done wonders to help change my attitude. But I didn’t. I thought about it but didn’t. Last night I needed to take deep breathes, forgive, and let go. I needed to let go of how my expectations, needs, and wants that weren’t being met. But I didn’t. So don’t worry, I got my attitude check alright. Last night God checked me and it felt very much like getting the wind got knocked out of me. My week and I got started off on completely the wrong foot, but this morning I feel like we’re on the up and up and headed in the right direction. This list may or may not be shorter than usual, but I promise you it has been written with a spirit of gratefulness, humility, and with the right attitude this morning.


I’m thankful for:


*My friend who lets me be completely honest and vent when I’m feeling frustrated. She reminds me its ok and I’m not alone. But what I’m most thankful for about this friend is she always follows listening with encouraging me, building me up, and then speaking wise words that I need to hear. Today I’m thankful that she reminds me to drop it and let it go.


*My Bruiser who always seems to know when Mama needs a little bit of extra loving. He cuddles up with his fat rolls and looks up with his sad little eyes and seems to say “I love you.” Melts my heart every time.


*The tough days in marriage. The tough days remind me that marriage is HARD work, because two imperfect people married each other. I am reminded that the hardest work HAS to start with me and in me. The tough days remind me of my imperfections and my great responsibility to forgive and let go, to be full of grace, and to focus on my responsibilities to my husband instead of my rights. The tough days make me grow and open my eyes to my tendency to get incredibly lazy and selfish! Nothing shows me quicker how well or not well I’m doing at living out my faith then my marriage in the tough days. The tough days bring me to my knees, they hurt, and often bring rivers of tears, but they also bring life. I am so thankful for a marriage centered in Christ, and for a husband who I know loves me: through our tough days, despite our tough days, he is committed to me, and to our growth individually and together beyond the tough days. I am thankful for the journey of marriage. It is sometimes hard and painful, but it is beautiful and worth every moment.


*Early Wednesday morning conversations over coffee: blessed, beautiful, thought inspiring, life breathing, humorous, fresh, raw conversations.

Asking Questions

I believe that the ability to ask good questions is a form of art. There is something about a good question that digs through the surface and reaches down into an issue or someone and pulls the heart, the guts of the matter into the light. Good questions start a journey that often leads to more questions and not always answers. But I believe discovery in the journey comes not always in the answer, but in allowing the process of questions. It takes time and thought, wisdom and discernment to not just ask a question, but a good question and many questions often lie before the one that hits the heart. Good questions bring focus. I have found that when I stop asking questions, I stop learning and growing because the questions are what keep me focused, the questions are what keep me aware. The seasons of life where I feel like I've grown the most are the seasons in which I am purposefully asking and continually asking myself and others questions. Sometimes there are questions that need to be re-asked and re-asked. I admire those that have the gift of asking good questions, because I do not consider myself one of those people. Often I find myself in situations muttering to myself, "I should totally have a question for this". But I also believe that the art of asking good questions is not an art of "I have it or I don't", like being able to paint or draw (neither of which I can do). I believe the art of asking good questions is an art that one grows into out of practice. And so, these days I am asking lots of questions, expecting to find more questions, and hoping to ask better questions.

Questions I've been asking myself:

*What am I passionate about? What makes me come alive? Am I doing this?
*What do I I want my life to be about?
*Where do I see God working in my life? Am I spending enough time looking for God? Am I spending enough time with God?
*In what ways am I growing? Does my life and my actions reflect this growth? In what ways do I need to grow more? Am I actively doing the things that will help me grow in these areas?
*Am I living in security? Where am I feeling insecure and what is the root of this insecurity?
*Is there anything I am currently afraid of and why?
*What am I learning?
*Is there anything I am holding onto that I need to let go of?
*Is there anyone I need to forgive today? Is there anyone I need to ask to forgive me?
*Is the posture of my heart one of humility of pride?
*Am I living grace?
*Am I allowing God to love me? Am I choosing to love Others, or just those who are easy for me to love?
*Am I surrounding myself with the right people-the right voices?
*Do I listen to those who speak truth into my life, even when I don't want to hear it?
*Am I being a safe person?
*Am I in control of my emotions or letting my emotions control me?
*What do I want my focus to be and is it there?
*How am I doing with: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentlesness, faithfulness, and self-control?

Tuesday Thanks

With the craziness of last week I managed to forget to post my "Tuesday Thanks", so this could get long. I've definitely noticed that the more I focus my thoughts around what I am thankful for, the more thankful I am for the things that I have and the more I notice things I'm thankful for. I have been blessed with so much and in so many ways!


^"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2: 6-7


"Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 106:1


Here is what has stood out to me this week: I am thankful for...


* Our new one bedroom apartment! It's cozy and homey, it's ours, it's perfect for us, and it's so much more than what many have.


*Those that take time to help others. I am so thankful for everyone who helped us move. It made everything about moving so much easier, so much faster, and less stressful!


*A short 15 minute drive to work because it allows me to sleep longer and I have noticed a tremendous difference in how rested my body feels with an extra hour of sleep everyday.


*Good jobs that allow Matt and I the ability to be able to afford (while not ideal or a first option) to pay for both our house and apartment, to be able to make this move forward for our family!


*My new corner. I simply love it! I love what has already taken place in this corner. I cannot wait to see what happens in the future: what is read, dots that are connected, conversations that are had, and words that are written. God is going to do big things, in my heart, in this corner.


*All the ways that God is working in my life. I see His hand everywhere and I am learning SO much! (post to come on what I'm learning) I am so thankful for these lessons because I know God is continually refining my rough edges, molding and shaping me into something beautiful...someone more like Him.


"Come near to God and He will come near to you." -James 4:8


"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."- Jeremiah 29:12-13


*Moleskins. Perfect little notepads that are just the right thickness and weight to literally carry everywhere I go. I use them to jot down my thoughts, what I'm hearing, and what I'm learning.


*CitySpring Church! I am thankful for being able to see God's vision come alive at CitySpring. I am thankful for church full of people striving to follow God, striving to be outward focused, and striving change their community. I am thankful for a church with a staff who pours themselves out tiressly in volunteering for this vision of CitySpring. I am so thankful for their passion, dedication, hard work, gift, and talents that make the CitySpring wheel go round! God is making it happen through them and I couldn't be more proud of them!!!!


*Having the chance to get to know new people.


*People's stories. I love hearing people's stories, whether big or small, new or old because it's their story and there is something so powerful about just that. I always learn something! I am so thankful for those who are brave enough and real enough to share their stories, big or small, new or old, good or bad, full of joy or full of trial because someone will always relate even if it's just one. (more on this later)


*Music and songs and the way that my heart always feels connected to God through their music and words.


What are you thankful for?

Turning Pages: New Steps, New Growth, & New Memories

Tonight I am stopping to reflect and let my thoughts catch up to my life. Right now I am savoring this moment because I have been looking forward to this moment all week. I am sitting in my new favorite place, my corner. It's nothing more then the left side of our little couch next to the end table, but there's something about this spot that's mine. The minute I arranged it I knew: this would be a spot where many good conservations would be had over coffee, many good books would be read, this would be my spot for digging into God's word before anyone else is awake, and this would be my spot for bringing life to my thoughts. 

My corner feels perfect for reflection. It's been a big week for our family. Last weekend was "Move Weekend" for the Gaylors. For those of you who don't know, since we've started this new journey we've been in transition. Waiting for a house to sell or at least get a renter and for the last 7 months we've been living with Matt's parents. Our little house still hasn't sold and there's no renter yet, but we decided to take a step forward. We needed some movement in this season. So last weekend we finally moved. We packed up everything in our little 3 bedroom house, everything from Matt's parent's, and moved into a little one bedroom apartment. I can honestly say I've never been so excited to live in something so small, and have found that it's actually quite perfect for us. It was a crazy exhausting weekend, filled with late nights, early mornings, long drives, boxes, trash bags, and no naps. But it was a weekend full of new steps and new life. 

Matt and I have learned so much during this transition. We have learned what it means to fully and completely trust in God's plan for our lives, even when it looks different than what we thought it would and when we don't fully understand it. We have learned what it means to be content with where God has us and what He has given us. We have learned what it means to look for God's work in our lives during what feels like a dry desert season. We have learned a new kind of patience. We have learned so much about marriage and what it means to work through tough seasons together, to grow stronger together, to encourage each other, and how to keep "us" a safe harbor in a swirling storm.  We are better as a result of this season. Not simply because of this season, but because we chose to let God do His work in us, and chose to believe that God was still in control during this season. 

I had a a few moments to pause before we left our house up north. I was surprised to find myself at the brink of tears. Not because of what we were leaving, God totally has us exactly where our hearts will thrive and come alive, and I personally thank God everyday that we now live in what we call civilization.  The tears came because of the memories of what we had experienced together there in that little house, our first house. Many firsts were experienced in that house. I let the memories flood in and allowed myself to grieve for a moment, but as I walked out and locked the door those old memories were replaced by a flood of excitement about the new moments that we would be making. 

My corner feels perfect for anticipating what's to come. Move Weekend for us symbolized a turning of the page. We are still in the chapter of transition, but we're one page closer, one step closer to the end. I can't wait to see what the next pages have in store.