Snap Out of It

“How did I get here? I don’t remember coming this far already”. I looked around in dazed wonder as I muttered to myself. I noticed the sound of faint classical music at least I think it was classical, coming through the speakers…“what in the world”. While I completely appreciate the beauty of classical music, I would not say that I enjoy it. I imagine I was flipping continuously through the stations and forgot what I was doing. I immediately started flipping again. Exhausted from the day behind me, driving home I had zoned out. Same route almost everyday, same feeling everyday, this drive keeps getting longer and longer. On autopilot, I realized I had made turns and stopped at lights all without realizing it. Supposedly in control, after all I was behind the wheel, and yet I had no recollection of the drive so far. Thankful I hadn’t run off the road, I sat up a little straighter, stretched my leg that was starting to cramp, and hunkered in again. Halfway there…I sighed and my mind began to drift away, reflecting on life. Sighing again, trying to let stress and tension out I began rubbing the back of my neck. Another migraine. Tears started flowing...

Life has brought me to a place that I hate. It’s dark and it’s lonely and I feel myself groaning with every fiber of my being “how did I get here?” I’m a firm believer that Satan loves to attack when things are on the up & up: when we’re flying high and feeling invincible, when we take control and turn our backs, in our perceived confidence we are vulnerable, and he strikes. And it feels completely out of the blue, like the wind has been knocked out of you and your left desperately gasping for air, panic settling in with each breathe you take. How did I get here...I’ve been living a smaller story.

I’ve been living in two worlds. I see great things in one world. I see things moving forward. God’s fingerprints are everywhere, lives are being changed, truth is being revealed, it’s exciting, contagious, and absolutely beautiful. In the other world, well...emptiness, lonliness, confusion, uncertainty, fear, anger, and disappointment. I’ve lost sight of the good things, even though they are there. The trouble is you can’t really live in two worlds. Sooner or later the one you’ve tried to keep controlled overflows, like water boiling over. I’ve reached a place where I don’t know myself. I’ve become a tangled unraveled mess of raw, uncontrolled, overflowing emotions. I’ve come face to face with the seriously ugly parts of me recently and it’s not been pretty. I’ve been stubborn, selfish, impatient: much like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum I have pouted and stomped my foot at God. I have wondered why He wasn’t holding up His end of “the deal”. I’ve been wanting things my way, on my time-right now. In my meable attempts to stay strong, I’ve grown weak, tired, miserable, and tense. I have been living focused on me. I desperately want out of this world.

The good news is that even in the times when we’ve lost sight of God and His story for our lives, He has never lost sight of us, of our part in His plot. He has never stopped passionately intensely chasing after us, patiently waiting for us to “snap out of it”, to re-enter His story. Tonight I encountered God in a way I know only He could plan, with words only He knew I needed to hear, and amongst things He knows I love: a good book and coffee. This season is just that, a season, a small brief chapter in the much bigger story that He is writing for me. A story of life, growth, change, and renewal. As I sat there, sipping my coffee, tears pouring down my face and dropping on new fresh pages, I felt peace.